Journey of a Christian

Walking By Faith

2010-07-19T21:03:00.000-07:00

I miss writing ... yeah, I write in a paper journal ... but it's not the same.
I'm not the same. I read these posts and barely recognize the girl that seems to have written them. The writings may have slowed down, but the journey definitely has sped up and I can only compare it to a roller coaster. Sometimes the turns are exhilarating and fun and sometimes the turns are scary and they make my heart beat just a bit faster than what I am accustomed to. Sometimes I feel the anticipation of the climb toward the top and view the descent from heights I've never travelled before. Holding on and relying on the safety of the seatbelt is about all I can do ... just gripping the side.

What if there were no journey ... what if there were no roller coaster and life just stayed the same?

I cannot even fathom anymore how to live that way. This may be completely different than what I used to know ... but somehow, some way, it is becoming oddly familiar.

Imagine walking on a cliff ... look over the side and the drop is so far down that you can't even see the ground. The choice is there, though. You can step a few feet away from the cliff ... to a safer place ... a safer distance.

Spiritually speaking ... I'm beginning to expect and actually thrive in this new environment.
I'm a cliff walker!!!

God's wonders never cease to amaze me.

I rode a bicycle for the first time in more than 15 years and did quite well ... no problem keeping up with my very active husband and teenage daughter.

Although deathly afraid of sharks, I played in the ocean with my family at a beach that is known as the shark bite capital of Florida (okay, God tricked me on that one because I didn't know at the time).

I sat on the bottom of a swimming pool and held my breath longer than my husband who has never smoked a cigarette in his life. Now that one truly amazed me. But so did the other experiences ... I had no idea that I was even capable of riding a bicycle anymore ... as much because of the coordination skills that I lack as the physical energy that was needed.

No, I'm still not done with cigarettes ... that's a whole different topic ... but look at what God is doing. Changed me? Maybe ... or maybe it is restoration.

Doesn't matter to me, I guess ... but I noticed ... and I know that you did this. Thank you, God. I never thought that I would be able to do those things again. Thank you.

Birds ... cont'd

2009-06-04T09:09:00.000-07:00

It seems I was a little harsh on the momma and poppa robins yesterday. I did a little bit of research and learned that the babies are SUPPOSED to leave the nest ... at a certain age (about 14 days old) they are all too big to stay in the nest and one by one they leave the nest.

The parents are well aware of this and even give some "tough love" (which equates to less frequent feeding) to encourage the babies to leave the nest.

So these little babies leave the nest and hang around close by for up to 2 weeks ... and the parents (mostly the poppa) continue to take care of them ... feeding them ... and working with them on the various skills that are necessary to survive.

If/when the "fledglings" survive this time period ... then they fly away and become fully independent and the parents go on to start another nest/family.

A lot of lessons in this for me to ponder ... but I just wanted to post my apologies to the momma and poppa robin ... and to God for getting frustrated with things that are far too awesome for me to figure out!

If you are interested ... here is a blog with video that shows this beautful process ... stage by stage. http://www.howpeg.com/robinblog2005/

Look at the birds of the air -- Do Not Worry

2009-06-03T11:02:00.000-07:00

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" (Matthew 6:26-28)

I've been watching the birds for the past few days ... mostly robins ... feasting on the buffet that has been provided with all the rain that has fallen. The rain falls ... the earth that was hard and unyielding ... becomes soft and yielding. In this case, the earthworms rise to the surface and provide a smorgasbord ... all you can eat buffet for the birds.

This morning as I watched ... I noticed a baby bird that was doing his or her best to hop around. I couldn't tell if it were hurt (broken wing or something) or if it was so young that it was a young "hobbler" instead of an experienced "hopper." Regardless, as I approached ... the little bird just opened it's mouth ... expecting and hoping for food. I felt so powerless but yet wanted to help so bad.

Caitlin was with me and since she was the braver of the two of us ... I suggested she be the one to find a worm and feed it to this little critter. So I found the worm ... but stood back while she picked the wriggly and slimy thing up. But the closer we got to the baby bird, the more the momma and the poppa birds (who were in the tree) started screeching and raising a ruckus.

We got the message and left it alone ... but I was ticked because here was this helpless baby bird who was obviously either forced to leave the nest or bravely thought it was ready to leave the nest and then found itself unable to fly. Okay, I admit ... I know nothing about the actual process. I guess I think that a bird doesn't leave the nest until they can actually fly. Regardless of how it happens ... here it was ... on the ground ... unable to fly ... seemingly without the care of it's parents. Found myself getting mad at the momma and poppa birds because they weren't taking care of this baby. I was ticked that it was there on the ground and was not able to fend for itself.

So we (I) sort of stomped away ... yelling at the birds for not taking care of their young ... and very distraught that this baby bird was probably going to be "lunch" for one of the many cats in the trailer park. Caitlin and I went for a walk ... finding a smashed and flattened bird along the way. Great! Completely powerless to stop things from being hurt or flattened by cars!

Yeah, I know ... if my heart was this tender for people ... I could be a much more compassionate follower of Christ. Oh well, I'm getting there ... but right now it is nature and birds and deer and cats that get my attention and my compassion.

So later in the day, I'm sitting outside again ... watching this little bird. It seemed to be so distraught ... now chirping or crying ... seemed to be yelling for attention ... yelling for food. Poor thing, it looked so miserable ... so lost.

My gaze was drawn to the left side when I sensed a movement ... ANOTHER baby bird ... probably from the same nest. Now I'm thinking, what the heck, man ... what kind of day is it? Did the mom and dad wake up and decide that it was time for EVERYBODY to leave the nest?

But this baby bird was different ... it wasn't distraught at all ... in fact, it looked down right happy and pleased to be moving around on it's own. It hopped for a few steps and stopped ... started fluffing or cleaning it's feathers ... whatever it is that birds do. These guys were so small that they still had some of those "down" kind of feathers. I watched it for a while ... comparing the one baby bird to the other.

The one seemed distraught and distressed ... new environment ... new dangers ... fear of the unknown ... didn't even know how to find food. It seemed to be in a state of panic and worry. But the other baby bird seemed to be completely oblivious to anything negative ... it seemed to be content to be in the sunshine ... content to be in a new environment ... content to hop around just a little ... and content to just sit there and not even chirp or keep his mouth open.

The Lord kept telling me ... "keep watching." So I watched ... and I watched ... and my heart was wrenched as I watched the distraught baby cry out and cry out. I remembered the verse that says that God feeds these little critters ... so, yep, you got it ... I started praying.

Before too much longer, here comes the momma bird. I'd been watching her for some time ... flying in and out of the tree ... feasting on worms for herself ... but seemingly oblivious to these two babies on the ground.

Eventually though, she came and fed the second baby bird ... the one that was NOT distressed. It was closest to her ... and although I don't know the reasons ... it was that baby that seemed to get the immediate attention.

So while I was happy to see that the momma bird didn't actually "abandon" these babies ... I was starting to get even more distraught myself (tears streaming while I started to pray for God to FEED this baby). By now, the first baby bird must have gotten sight or scent of the momma and started chirping so loudly that I believe there is no way this momma bird could have ignored it.

But ignore it, she did ... at least for a while. She made a couple of trips and fed the second baby again and again ... but eventually came over to the first baby bird and gave it a single worm. I started thanking God ... I was so distraught over the whole thing that I felt enormous relief when the first baby bird was finally attended to ...

I watched for a while longer and I saw the second baby receive 3rd and 4th helpings on this noon day meal ... but the first baby bird only received the one helping.

Now go and figure THAT one out! I pouted for a bit to God and said "why did the one get MORE than the other one ... wasn't he the 'needier' of the two?" He didn't answer me ... so I took that silence to mean ... that's my business and not your's.

While I found several valuable things to look at through this experience ... I think the biggest one was "perspective."

Both of these babies were fed ... taken care of ... (needs which were provided by God) ... one was distressed and distraught and "worried" ... and the other seemed to be content to wait ... almost trusting that what it needed would be provided.

Simple, huh? Consider ... the birds of the air.

Not About Me

2009-06-01T10:51:00.000-07:00

I've always had a problem with this statement. Christians throw it around quite carelessly ... "it's not about you" ... "it's about what God wants to do with your life." Maybe I have a chip on my shoulder about it ... it just never settled with me. A powerful yet short combination of words ... words that penetrated my heart like a dagger ... telling me that what the Lord wanted to do in my life ... had nothing to do with me ... that it wasn't about me.

Before I heard that statement ... I noticed things like the sky was really, really blue and the flowers and the colors in spring and fall were vibrant and full of life. I noticed things like how much God was very present in every day and every situation. In short, I noticed how much I mattered to him ... in very real and very practical everyday situations. I noticed how he protected me from people and I noticed ... no, felt how much he delighted in me ... just for being me. I didn't have to do anything to feel his love for me ... my existence brought delight.

But things changed when someone told me that "truth" that I suppose they felt inclined to share with a baby Christian who needed to grow up. When I served ... I didn't know that I was "serving God" ... I was just happy to help my new family with the things they were doing ... happy to spend some time with them ... and ecstatic if the topic of God came up (eventually learned how to make that happen ... snicker, snicker) and even more ecstatic if the opportunity to tell someone who didn't know God about how much he loved them.

But that one simple statement ... it's not about you ... changed everything. All of a sudden it was about a life ... my life ... that God wanted to do something with ... and I felt less of a participant and more of an observer. It was as if God wanted control of my life ... to accomplish his purposes ... but whether I was part of it or not part of it ... really wasn't part of the equation. It wasn't about me ...

As I struggle now to get back to that child-like faith ... it makes me sad that people so casually throw out those statements that take away that innocence that is there in the beginning. I doubt it is intentional ... but those who say it have no idea the impact of those words.

Choices

2009-05-12T19:18:00.000-07:00

In a very reflective mood today ... attended a viewing/funeral of a friend.
Choices ... is what most impacted me through this situation. The choice to be open to relationships with people and the opportunities that are presented ... or the choice to be closed ... hiding behind our walls of mistrust, judgement or selfishness.

For the record, this man believed in the Lord, accepted Jesus as his Savior and was active in a church. For me, the certainty of his eternal destiny brought peace and acceptance ... and so I've been able to move past being concerned about that ... and on to pondering other things about life.

He loved to sing and had the most amazing voice ... the kind that you can listen to for hours and hours. He was amazingly optimistic ... despite severe health problems and various physical challenges ... this man was upbeat and positive. Comments of encouragement were always ready to come out at any moment. He saw the good in people ... he saw the positive ... and he never failed to point out those things.

I don't remember EVER having one negative conversation with this man at all. He never saw a glass that was half empty ... it wasn't even a possibility.

There was a genuine "love" or acceptance for people ... again, always seeing the good in someone. He liked people ... and enjoyed any time that was given to spend with those privileged enough to know this wonderful and gentle man.

It may sound like I knew him well ... I didn't.

I could count on one hand the opportunities where I made the choice to spend time with this man. On the other hand, I cannot count the opportunities that I made a different choice ... to not spend time with this man. I was busy, I didn't have time, I didn't feel comfortable ... blah, blah, blah ... just lousy excuses for being selfish with my time and my heart.

I learned more about this man at his funeral ... then I did when he was alive.

That makes me sad ... not guilty ... but sad. Sad that I didn't take advantage of the opportunities that were presented before me ... the opportunity to spend time with him and to learn firsthand the things that were said today.

The things I wrote earlier ... most traits or characteristics that I did observe personally. But there was so much more to this man ... the things that he accomplished ... the places that he volunteered ... his incredible passion for knowledge and conversation ... the places he worked ... his views on life and his experiences and knowledge gained during his relationship with the Lord.

So much that I would say to him now ... so many questions that I would ask ... what a privilege it really would be to spend time with him ... to get to know him ... but it's too late. Those opportunities have passed ... and I can't get them back.

While I cannot change the past ... and that is why there is no guilt ... I can make the choice to still learn something from this man.

To look at every encounter with a person as an opportunity ... not an opportunity to witness ... not an opportunity to get them "saved" ... not an opportunity to help them get their life straightened out ...

An opportunity to just spend time with them ... to get to know them ... to get a close up and bird's eye view of God's splendid craftsmanship. Unique in character ... unique in experiences ... unique in how they view life ... unique in how they think ... unlike anyone else in this entire world.

Dan, I didn't spend much time with you ... I didn't accept the opportunities that were provided to me to get to know you better ... but I pray that I will hold on to what I have experienced through your physical death on this earth ... and that I will remember these experiences every time I have an opportunity to spend time with people.

Addiction

2009-05-05T19:48:00.000-07:00

The journey continues ... so much closer than I was a few months ago ... but still not over yet.
Was talking with the Lord a few days ago ... after a week long attempt to just lay down the cigarettes again (for the millionth time). Asked God to show me where I am with it all ... to show me how he sees it from his perspective. Turned out to be very interesting.

With my job ending just a few weeks ago, Paul and I have been making some changes so that we can live on his salary and allow me the opportunity to explore the opportunities to serve God in a different way.

So we started looking at how we use the resources that we have ... specifically, food. Paul is such a good steward of money ... we had already prepared for this season by cutting out extras ... but we started looking at things a different way. What if we ate the food that we bought ... in the portions or servings that are suggested ... instead of eating twice or three times more than we need to eat.

So we started with our cats, actually. We have four cats ... and all of them are accustomed to a "free range" kind of eating lifestyle. Food bowl is available 24/7. Anytime day or night ... they can go and take a few nibbles.

This hasn't worked well in the past ... 3 of the 4 cats are severely overweight. I mean, REALLY overweight. When they run through the house, their belly swings from side to side. They are spoiled ... and we are responsible because we allow them to overindulge.

That's where we started ... on the back of the cat food ... it specifically says how much food each cat should have for the day ... according to each cat's specific weight. (Paul and I are actually adopting this kind of philosophy for our family ... if a serving of rice or pasta is 1/2 cup ... that's what I am serving.) Brand new for us ... and for the cats as well.

The first night we took up the cat's food bowl at about 7:00 pm. Around 10:30 or so, one of the cats (Shadow) FREAKED out! First let me explain that the other 3 cats have been outside ... either for a season ... or lived outside for some or most of their lives.

Not true for Shadow ... she is about 9 years old and has never stepped one foot outside. She has no idea what it is like to fend for yourself ... to find food on her own ... no concept of what it is like to be without food for even a few hours.

Paul and I are in bed and she is freaking out ... running up and down the bed (on my side, of course) ... circling my head ... stepping all over me ... and crying. She was making every attempt that she knew to make sure that I knew that something was desperately wrong. She tried rubbing against my hand ... my face ... and all parts of my body. She tried laying as close to me as possible, crying and crying.

My heart went out for her. It was if she were screaming to me ... "Mommy ... Mommy ... MOMMY!!! There is NO food! THERE is no FOOD! Someone took the food bowl ... it is gone ... I don't know where it is ... but the FOOD is GONE! I'm going to DIE without a food bowl! I just know that I'm going to die ... there IS NO FOOD! Do you get it??? There is NO FOOD!! Oh, what am I going to do????

Complete and total panic.

The thing was ... I'm sitting there ... doing what I could to calm her down (which was nothing!) ... but I'm rubbing her ... stroking her belly ... all to no avail. But ... there I was with the knowledge that at 7:30 the next morning ... there would be food. Food was there ... I knew where it was ... and I knew that I would be bringing out a food bowl in just a few hours.

But Shadow didn't know this ... all she knew was that the food was GONE.

God used that experience as a way of showing me just where I am with cigarettes. Without saying anything directly to me ... I felt like he was showing me the state of panic that I get in ... and specifically that I refuse to stay in that "uncertain" kind of place long enough to find out that there is a food bowl.

Unlike Shadow, I have a choice ... so when I find myself in that place (which I put myself) ... and take my own food bowl away ... I never quite make it to 7:30 the next morning. But I think I'm making it now to about 4 or 5 in the morning ... if that makes any sense.

I used to think that I had no control ... that smoking was just who I am ... what I do ... and that I had no choice. I was addicted...and there was no hope.

But piece by piece ... God has taught me a great many things ... the first of which is that smoking is a choice. That day that I realized it was a choice ... was really the first step on this journey ... this road to recovery ... this road that is leading me to being free from this addiction.

It's been a long road ... and it's been a hard road ... but I am near the end now ... and I can see it ... I just have to keep going and believe that the Lord will finish what he started with me ... that he will continue to lead me out of this place.

I can go days now and not smoke ... I can get angry now and not smoke ... I can be sad now and not smoke ... I can be frustrated now and not smoke ... and I can be hurt by others ... and not smoke. There are a lot of MOMENTS that I don't have to smoke anymore.

There is no addiction anymore ... all that is left is the desire to do something that I've done for a long time. That seems to be the last piece ... the last step for me ... to put to death the desires of my flesh. It's a hard place ... a place that I don't like ... but at the same time ... a place that I long to be. To be in control of my flesh ... instead of having my flesh be in control of me.

I'm not where I want to be yet ... but I'm not where I used to be either.

You know, it's funny ... the Lord told me almost five years ago to believe in him. That's what he told me the first time that I asked him about smoking. I've spent a lot of time pondering that statement ... even being frustrated with that statement ... wondering what it meant.

I've spent the last five years learning about the Lord ... getting to know him ... and learning to trust him. Sometimes I wish that I were the kind of person that could just surrender all and never look back. I wonder now if there is such a person.

It's taken time ... and effort ... and discipline ... to walk with the Lord ... to believe in the Lord. He will finish this with me ... and it has taken the time that it has taken.

He knows there is a food bowl for me ... He has always had everything that I need ... now he is simply waiting for me to trust him .... to stay in that "uncertain" place until 7:30 a.m. and then he'll bring out that food bowl.

By the way, the next morning ... all of the cats were circling me like sharks ... waiting for that food bowl. Shadow ate so fast ... gorging herself ... and threw up less than 30 minutes later. That went on for the first three days or so ... but now she has adjusted ... she doesn't panic anymore ... and she doesn't gorge herself anymore.

She eats the food that is provided ... and while she does attempt to convince me to give her food at other times of the day ... she doesn't panic anymore ... she knows that she will get what she needs.

I'll get there ...

Addictions (contd)

2009-01-23T08:41:00.000-08:00

God is so cool ... and I just adore how the Holy Spirit works through us and with us.

I think my words yesterday spent a little too much time swirling around in my head. Kept thinking about that 2-3 day binge ... and before I could undo those thoughts ... I started down the path of feeling like I had been cheated from a real TIME OUT ... and soon those feelings turned right into the action of going to the store and getting cigarettes again.

I'm so familiar with this process that it is just down right annoying ... thought, feeling and then action. Predictable ... same pattern, same process and same result.

But like I said ... I don't really beat myself up anymore because I realize that it is just part of the learning ... part of the journey.

Was talking out some of my feelings to my husband last night ... but he was second in line because I was talking to God about it first. Had some questions and just needed a little advice and guidance. Often I can describe how I feel ... but don't understand where it comes from. So when Paul was able to sit down with me ... we talked and I basically repeated the same things that I was talking to God about ...

The coolest thing happened ... Paul talked about the fact that there is someone else that has a "beachhead" in our addictions. Satan. And just as much as God has a beachhead in my struggle ... so does Satan. In fact, I can say that with my addiction ... Satan used to have a stronghold in this area.

Not anymore! Through this struggle ... God and I both have invaded that territory and started taking back the land that belongs to us. So while we both have walked into that territory and planted a flag ... the enemy's presence is still there ... and the battle isn't over. (But at least there is a battle now, instead of Satan squatting on MY LAND!)

BUT ... as long as I keep opening the door ... or leaving a crack in the door ... I'm allowing Satan to maintain that beachhead. Leave the door open too long ... and he makes advances ... and it's harder for me to close the door.

(Big sigh) ... tough stuff. Still up to me to close that door ... Paul got a dose of truth too. He likes to leave his door cracked ... just a wee bit ... but still open.

I still found all of this pretty cool, though ... Paul doesn't read my writings so he had no idea that I used the word "beachhead" to describe the struggle.

I just love it when God confirms that he is listening and watching. I mean, I know it ... but it is so much better when I can see it or hear it ... straight from him!

Addictions (contd)

2009-01-22T09:13:00.000-08:00

Wow ... what a great day yesterday turned out to be!

I smoked all day!

Nah, that's not what made it a great day ... what made it a great day was that I smoked all day ... and on the way home had a "come to Jesus" meeting with Jesus in my car ... talked about the things that were weighing me down ... did some confessing ... and did some thanking him anyway for some of the junk that I've been going through ... and then just started singing and praising God.

By the time I got home, I was so high from praising God that I got right back on the wagon again.
That surprised me ... because the mood that I was in yesterday morning was to have at least a 2-3 day binge with cigarettes. In fact, I think I was looking forward to that binge.

But that is what is so different now ... I may fall down or stumble ... but I spend a lot less time with my face in the dirt than I used to. I get up a lot quicker and get right back on the wagon. Somewhere along the way ... quitting "quitting smoking" became "not an option." Guess I'm in it for the long haul ... however long that takes.

Ah! (Moment of revelation!) ... I get it ...

The Lord has touched me in many ways and I have experienced some miraculous healing and deliverance ... and while I have been very grateful for the grace and blessings that have come from the Lord ... just like an addict ... I reached a point where it just wasn't enough ... I needed more ... wanted something different ... I didn't just want a touch ... I wanted to be changed. No, I really needed to be changed.

And that is just what he has been doing ... changing me ... changing my heart ... changing me from the inside. But God also had a plan ... and his plan had much more to do with changing my character....

It's very, very cool ... and I see how God is working with me in this addiction. The ground that is taken ... is never lost. Embarking on this journey with the Lord has really solidified the concept of how the Lord can gain a presence or a "beachhead" in our lives ... and then move forward from that point. Gaining ground a little bit at a time.

The obstinate and stubborn part of me wanted it "done" immediately. Instant gratification. I want what I want ... and I want it NOW! And if, by the way, the process is going to hurt ... then I need it to be done even sooner than that!

I've always wanted the end result ... but I never wanted to travel down the path to get there. Too hard, too much pain or just plain selfish and lazy. Whatever ... I finally ran out of excuses ... I finally got tired of trying to manipulate God (okay, truth is that I didn't get tired of this one ... I just learned that it doesn't work) ... and I finally got tired of being paralyzed by fear.

(Chuckling) My last attempt was back in September (and that is when things really started changing). "But God, it's not fair for you to ask me to do this ... you don't understand ... you cannot possibly understand just how impossible this is for me to do ... you don't understand what you are asking me to do?" His response: "You can do this."

He was right, of course ...

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Addiction

2009-01-21T09:02:00.000-08:00

Been a long time since I've written ... here or my own journals. Guess it was good in a way because I've had no choice but to learn how to communicate about things that I think about in verbal ways rather than just writing. (Kind of necessary in a marriage!)

Still ... I missed writing.

Feeling very introspective today ... taking a break with this addiction thing. From what I learned about the whole addiction process ... you can call it a detour. A time when I'm just saying "TIME OUT!" I need a break from this very difficult battle.

I feel like I've been climbing up this mountain for a long time ... and while I definitely see that I'm closer to the top than I am to the bottom ... I'm still not there. But I have learned to redefine how I view success and more importantly how God views success. Success isn't necessarily where your journey ends ... as in the end result. Success IS the journey ... that you continue to travel and not quit.

I've learned a lot along the way ... probably the biggest lesson was to trust God a little bit more. Wish I could say that I read my bible every day and I prayed 3 times a day and that I fasted and employed all of the other standard disciplines for staying connected to God.

The truth is that most of the time I just held on ... held on when the storms came ... held on when the emotions threatened to overwhelm me ... held on when I finally had to face all of the pain and emotions that come along with being a human being on this earth.

Yeah, I know that sounds weird ... but God understands what I'm saying and the journey that I have taken with him on this has been like nothing else that I have experienced with him.

Bottom line is that throughout my lifetime ... I learned how to mask my pain (my sadness, my disappointment, my fear, my inadequacy, etc). I learned ... through various addictive behaviors ... to not feel pain. I learned to turn to cigarettes or drugs ... and not to turn to God. That will take me a lifetime to understand the process of how I got where I got ...

But the places that I've been on this journey ... are destinations and events that happen internally ... inside my heart. I've been facing my fears ... or maybe I should say that I've been facing my heart and actually experiencing the hurt and the pain that I have shut out for so many years.

It has surprised me ... for so long I thought I was ruled by my emotions and my feelings ... but as I learn to REALLY experience those emotions ... I find myself constantly saying "Wow, I haven't felt that in YEARS." All of those times have been painful. But when I really FELT the pain ... and allowed God to lead me THROUGH the pain ... it triggered memories from childhood of a similar feeling.

I learned that I've been running and hiding from feelings and emotions for a very long time ... refusing to feel it.

I was reading back at some of my really early blogs when I first started this journey ... it was October 2007 ... and I was listing my blogs like this: Death of an Addiction -- Day 1.

I would make it a few days without a cigarette ... and then I would "fail" ... and the next time that I wrote ... I would have to write Day 1 again.

You know what? I was trying so hard to achieve the "end result" (which means not to smoke) ... that for the longest time ... I didn't understand that the real journey ... was not the days that I did not smoke ... but more importantly ... the days that I did smoke ... because it was those days that held the secret to the root reasons and causes for the addiction.

Jesus is so backwards ... I'm still getting used to it. If you find me smoking in the parking lot of the church ... your very human reaction would be ... she has failed ... she is still addicted.

But the work that has been done ... has been done internally ... in my heart and in my spirit ... and does not yet show on the outside.

One day it will show on the outside ... but until then ... I will just keep climbing that mountain (with an occasional detour here and there ... just to take a break and get refreshed).

Spiritual Tug of War

2008-11-07T10:32:00.000-08:00

Did you ever play tug of war when you were a kid? I don't have a lot of memories from childhood but I can recall this particular memory.

I always hated those kind of PE games. You know the kind where the "team captains" (aka, the popular people) made their selection of who to add to their team. Yeah, I remember that process all too well ... I hated it. Waiting ... hoping that I wouldn't be the last person picked.

Most of the time when it came to that selection process ... I wasn't the last person. As far as popularity went ... I wasn't up there with the "cool" kids ... but I wasn't quite at the bottom of the ladder either. At least in the screwed up way that we all got ranked and compared with each other.

Okay ... going down a rabbit hole for a bit.

That's interesting to remember ... I always WANTED to be like the "cool" kids ... the popular people the Ken and Barbie couples ... who looked beautiful and from all accounts had it all together. Good grades, cars as graduation presents ... it seemed those were the only ones that were ever nominated "most likely to succeed."

At the other end of the spectrum were the misfits, I guess. These folks seemed to go out of their way to intentionally be the complete opposite. Often dressing very differently with no regard to any sort of rules whatsoever. They seemed to do what they wanted to do and didn't try to live up to anybody's expectations but their own. They were the outcasts ... socially at least ... and to be seen hanging out with them sealed your fate. To be part of this group was social suicide.

I guess what is interesting to me now is that looking back ... both groups seemed to be content with themselves ... content with who they were ... content with the group that they had become assimilated into.

I didn't fit in either group ... on the one hand I wanted to be like the popular kids ... I longed for the kind of perfection that an outsider would see ... as an observer. I thought that was "normal" ... and because I wasn't like them or accepted by them ... I must be less than normal. Not good enough. Never seemed to measure up to whatever imaginery standards had been set.

On the other hand, I didn't fit into the other group either. They seemed to live in a world of "gray" ... and I could never get my "black and white" kind of thinking to convert to that kind of lifestyle. Often this was the group involved with drugs and alcohol, sexual promiscuity ... you know the "bad kids."

It was a tough place ... I wanted the rules ... but I wanted the freedom. I wanted some of what one group had to offer ... but I also wanted some of what the other group had to offer.

I never fit in ... in either group. In late high school, I guess I did finally settle into a group ... more by the choices I made than an actual decision.

Amazing Love

2008-08-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

Remember when you were young and you did something wrong ... then your parents found out ... and then you would have to go and "have a talk" with your mother or father? (shuddering) ("A talk" with the father was the worst). Seriously, think back and remember.

I know my own experiences weren't that great. It wasn't that I didn't know that I did something wrong ... I usually could acknowledge that fact. My biggest struggle was dealing with the anger and disappointment that came from my parents. Usually anger ... because what I did wrong was always a reflection on them (dysfunction and codependent traits).

Growing up is a time for making mistakes. Childhood is the time to practice ... to get it right sometimes ... but to get it wrong MOST of the time so that an opportunity for training and teaching can be present.

Kids are SUPPOSED to mess up ... how else can we teach them if they never mess up? Our expectations for our kids is unrealistic.

Lately I've been paying attention to how God handles the situation when I mess up. As a grown up, I know that how my parents handled it didn't work for many different reasons and on so many different levels. My relationship with the Lord has provided the opportunity to learn the "right" way to handle situations ... and with a daughter that just turned 14, you better believe that I'm paying attention! (And I'm watching how my child acts ... to better understand how I act with God.)

So here's what happened: I messed up ... in fact, I had been doing something for about 4 years ... and when the Lord brought it up to me ... my initial reaction was to bolt ... run ... and NOT have that talk with my Father. But ... I didn't bolt and I didn't run ... I guess I know enough about the Lord to know that if he wants to talk about it ... it is time to talk about it.

So we talked ... or rather, I talked and he listened. It was as if I were sitting in a chair directly across from him ... but I wouldn't look directly at him while I was telling "my story" ... working my way around the issues ... trying to be honest ... and at the same time trying to find a way to make it sound better. I've gotten pretty good at that ...

What was interesting to me is that I could only glance at him from time to time ... from beneath my lashes ... looking for a reaction but not getting one. Making sure that I never really connect with his eyes. I've been a Christian for almost 4 1/2 years and still I couldn't bear to watch his reaction as I started really telling the truth.

When I got to the end of my "talk" ... tears started streaming down my face as I come face to face with the issue ... realizing what I had done wrong ... and feeling the full weight of what I had done wrong in my heart. "Lord, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."

I raised my head ... realizing that I had been staring down at the floor and I allowed my eyes to met his eyes for the first time in that conversation. His gaze was direct and penetrating ... but there was no anger in his eyes and there was no disappointment in his eyes. He didn't lecture me or tell me all the reasons that what I had done was wrong. He just sat there and listened, though I could feel in my spirit the moments when he would gently guide me back to the issue if I got too far off course from the truth.

His love for me was so intense that a very physical warmth penetrated my body. I felt no guilt and there was nothing condemning coming from him ... I talked ... he listened ... I tried to manipulate and he guided me back to the truth ... he opened my eyes to see the truth ... and then I cried and I confessed my wrong ... and his love for me never waivered ... and never changed.

Standing

2008-08-22T10:43:00.000-07:00

On the day that we left California, we visited Manhatten Beach and I took home more than just a seashell or sand in my ears.

Celebrate Recovery Conference

2008-08-19T13:05:00.000-07:00

Back from California ... what an amazing trip ... an amazing conference where our team learned more about Celebrate Recovery ... incredible challenges came with every footstep.

Last year there was about 3,000 people ... and I saw an army ... an army of servants called by God ... an army that was being sent out to rescue his people ... armed with the tools from the Celebrate Recovery program that would set the captives free.

This year ... that same army was back for more training ... and while I don't know what the final numbers were ... I heard there was over 3,500 that attended.

God is serious about this ministry. He means business and so do those of us who are called to this ministry.

While I still saw an army -- an army that is steadily growing ... my perspective has changed. Now that I've walked through one year of the Celebrate Recovery program and was able to take this journey with a few others ... I see things differently.

This time I didn't see an army of leaders ... I saw an army of prisoners.

An army of prisoners who have been released from their prisons ... all of us in one stage or another of continuing the process of being released from the past that has kept us chained and imprisoned. Prisoners who are now celebrating their recovery and sharing what they have learned with other prisoners in their communities.

The one phrase that will stay with me ... sums up the experience of Celebrate Recovery.

A God-inspired program that gives me the tools to see WHO I WAS ... so that I can see WHY I WAS ... so that I can see WHO I AM.

FREEDOM FOR THE CAPTIVES!!!!!

Do Not Fear

2008-08-09T07:35:00.000-07:00

Fear ... what a debilitating disease. I call it a disease because once it enters my life ... or my mind ... it spreads throughout my entire being. Robbing me of the good things that God has for my life ... keeping me imprisoned and trapped in a place that is hard to escape. My part is that I know it is there ... and my part is that it is only myself that I can point the finger to as the person that keeps me from moving beyond that fear. Yes, the devil has a role ... but he can only plant thoughts and harass me ... tell me lies. I don't have to believe it and I don't have to stay in that trap.

This is probably the most major area that I have struggled with as a Christ-follower. Letting my fears have more power over me than my faith.

My cat got out of the house a few weeks ago and the Lord really used that circumstance to give me a really good view of how I allow fear to reign in my heart.

Smoky (yeah, uh-huh .... interesting name for a cat ... and ironic that quitting smoking is by far my greatest fear). Anyway, she is an interesting cat ... a ferrel cat that was caught in a trap when she was about 6 weeks old. She's about 10 now ... and all of her life she has been afraid of people. She wants to be loved ... she wants to be petted and to have her body stroked ... and she will even come up to you and "flop" right in front of you in order to gain the attention and love that she so desperately needs.

But you can't pick her up ... and you can't hold her in your lap. Any movement to do those two things will send her running for cover. That's Smoky. You have to love her ... her way ... or she will run away from you.

For whatever reason, in the last couple of years, Smoky has become more needy ... needing more love and attention ... and I've watched as she has made progress to overcome her fear of people. While we still couldn't hold her ... she will now walk ACROSS your lap ... or she will "flop" right beside your leg ... even on to your leg ... risking getting closer and closer. Still ... if we make a move to grab her ... she runs.

She got out (or fell out) of our house when a window screen was accidentally left open. Happened in the middle of the night ... and she was nowhere to be found the next morning.

I've always had a unique bond with my cats ... I have 4 now and I love them all ... passionately! I was extremely distressed when she disappeared ... praying that we would find her. The Lord told me that we would ...

That next afternoon, Paul found her ... underneath the trailer. This is where the Lord opened my eyes to what fear is doing in my life.

Smoky sat underneath the trailer ... in partial darkness. As I sat at the edge of the trailer and called to her ... I could see that she could see me ... she was looking at me ... and I know that she could hear me and that she recognized my voice. But she was so afraid that she could not move ... she had never been outside before ... and here she was in this dark place ... and in those moments ... even that dark place was safe ... it was familiar ... and she couldn't leave it. Her fear of leaving that place of what she thought was safety ... kept her from moving to a different place ... which would have been my arms that could have taken her back into her world of REAL safety.

It broke my heart. No matter how much I tried to talk her out of her place ... no matter how much food or other tactics that I used to draw her out, she just stayed right where she was.
It was so hard for me ... knowing that if she would just come to me that I could make it better ... that I could make all that fear go away and give her the safety that I knew she needed.

Guess that's how God feels about me ... he knows what is on the other side of my fear ... and he wants so much for me to trust him to take care of me and see me through ... if only I would come to him when he calls and not let fear keep me frozen ... if only I would not stay where I am ... trapped and afraid to leave the security of what I know.

The plot thickens with Smoky, though. I didn't know what was happening, but while I was talking and trying to coax her to come to me, Paul had gone to the other side of the trailer and had found a way to get underneath of it. The next thing I see is this huge hand coming down on top of Smoky's back. I got excited that we were going to get her back and I got up and went to the other side ... ready to welcome this kitty back into my arms. Didn't go that way....

I couldn't figure out how Paul had gotten in so I went back to where I was ... as I looked in I saw the last part of the "fight." Paul was holding on to the cat and Smoky was fighting and scratching, contorting her body in such drastic moves that I was afraid she was going to break her own spine. Once again, her fear took over ...

Paul was stuck and although he had a hold of her, he couldn't back out of where he was and still hold this fighting furball in his hand. He had to let her go ... though she did leave the remnants of the fight on him ... blood pouring down his arm from the deep gashes she had inflicted with her claws.

Once again, I saw more than just what was going on. I've smoked for 32 years now ... 4 of that as a Christian ... and all of those 4 years ... well that's another long story. It's been a long battle and I've learned a lot. But in this instance, the Lord showed me that you can't force something on someone who is not willing to accept help.

I've often bounced between wanting God to just "take control" over some of the things in my life ... and right behind those thoughts ... not wanting to give up that control. It's a frustrating place to be ... but I guess just forcing me to do what he wants is not God's way. I'm reminded of that scripture ... "even a bruised reed, he will not break."

At least for me ... in this particular struggle ... the Lord has just walked me through it. Guiding me and being patient as I worked through the process. Most of the time, I have struggled with being able to admit to myself and to God that I am truly powerless over this addiction. I thought I should be able to do it ... my strength, my power, even by having enough "faith" and trying to "white-knuckle" it. Too many times to count ... try and fail, try and fail, try and fail.

There are many steps in this particular process of dealing with this addiction ... though I've only focused on the last couple of steps. This place that I am now is the ability to recognize the fear ... the fear that holds me back ... the fear that will ultimately cause me to lose everything if I don't face the fear (with the Lord's help).

And the last step is letting go ...

If Smoky had just let go ... if she had just surrendered and stopped fighting ... she would be with me now. But she didn't ... we had to "let her go" ... and she is still outside somewhere. Maybe someone found her and took her in ... or maybe she is finding food and finding a way to survive. There are other options that I can't bear to think about. The Lord still tells me that she will come home. So I have to trust in that ...

So how am I doing with letting go?

Well, we went to King's Dominion a couple of days ago ... and for the first time I rode on the "Drop Zone" ride. That thing takes you up in the air 273 feet ... and it is like a free fall for 200 feet and then "catches" you at the last few seconds before you are lowered the last few feet to the ground.

Now here's something interesting ... I had never been on it ... never had a desire to go on it ... but there I was demanding that the be the second ride that we go on. About half way up the thing, I came to my senses. I believe that the Spirit of God was the one doing the talking ... prompting me to ride the stupid thing in the first place.

That prompting has happened before ... SEVERAL times ... I'll have these moments of boldness ... and I'll step out and do something completely bold ... and then about half way into it ... I realize that I don't want to do it. But by that time, it is too late and I am committed.

Not trying to say that God tricks me into it ... it's not like that. He just seems to be the one that kick starts me into a direction that I should go ... and then once I'm there ... it's too late to turn back and I just keep going. (He knows me well.)

Same thing here ... it was as if I woke up when I was about 100 feet in the air ... and I DID NOT WANT TO BE THERE! I WANTED OUT! AND I WANTED OUT BAD! But it was too late, what goes up ... has to come down. So I held on with a death grip and closed my eyes. Screamed and called out "Oh My God" all the way down! When I got off that ride, I just sort of wobbled away.

But you know what? AFTER ... it seemed kind of fun. Wasn't fun at the beginning ... but that feeling of exhileration and adrenaline kicked in somewhere in the middle and it was fun. So we did it again. This time I kept my eyes open ... and I actually took a breath during the drop. More exhileration and adrenaline ... more fun.

Hey, I was on to something here! So we did it one more time ... Paul (Mr. Adrenaline) told me to try and let go of the hand grips this time. And I did ... only let go for about 3 seconds before I gripped them again ... but I did let go. And I liked it!

So ... where does all of that leave me? I don't know ... the Lord is guiding me step by step ... and as I look back now at all the times that I thought I "failed" when I gave up and started smoking again. Well, maybe that wasn't failure ... maybe that was "practice." Maybe I was practicing at letting go....

The devil is such a snot ... such a liar.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

She Loved Much

2008-08-04T20:54:00.000-07:00

Luke 7:36-48

Now one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, so he went to the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them and poured perfume on them.

When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is--that she is a sinner."

Jesus answered him, "Simon, I have something to tell you."

"Tell me, teacher," he said.

"Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he cancelled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?"

Simon replied, "I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled."

"You have judged correctly," Jesus said.

Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman?

I came into your house.

You did not give me any water for my feet---
but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair

You did not give me a kiss
but this woman from the time I entered has not stopped kissing my feet

You did not put oil on my head
but she has poured perfume on my feet

Therefore I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven -- for she loved much.

But he who has been forgiven little loves little."

Then Jesus said to her, "Your sins are forgiven."

The scriptures say that she brought an alabaster jar of perfume and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears.

This woman ... who "stood behind him at his feet" ... a woman whose hair was used to dry the tears that fell on the Lord's feet. Long hair was the style back then ... I think she found another way to use her hair ... to cover her face ... to hide her eyes ... from the one that knew everything about her.

I think it is sad that we so quickly go from "standing behind him at his feet" ... to sitting at the table with the Lord ... and whether we speak or just think it ... we still judge other people.

It's a lot easier to find fault or shortcomings in someone else's life vs. looking at our own hearts.

I hear it in conversations at church more than anywhere else. That's scary isn't it? Shouldn't be ... those of us in church just know that we need help. I see it in the workplaces too, though, backstabbers and ladder climbers and the co-workers that seem to thrive on tearing people down. I guess the only difference really is that at least at church, we know that we are messed up and we are looking for the Lord to help us.

I'm not pointing my finger at other people, I hear it and see it within my own self. It scares me ... and it frustrates me. I don't like humanity very much ... because I see in people all the wicked things that lie in my own heart. It's like a mirror ...

Pay attention and you will see it too. Most don't like to admit that we do these things and we really don't want to face our own hearts. But when it is quiet and you have a moment to reflect about your day ... try looking into the Lord's eyes ... you might find yourself scrambling to look away. The thing is, though, he already knows and once WE KNOW IT ... then he can actually do something with us to change it. He knows what we do and loves us anyway.

I am glad that the Lord is working with me and in me. I am often disgusted and repelled by what he shows me about my heart ... it is so ugly to look at what I do to other people ... I want so much to be more than I am ... but what I am and what I will forever be on this side of heaven is just a sinner ... a sinner that still messes up ... still makes mistakes ... and still needs the Holy Spirit to teach me the truth and help me learn how to do things differently ... every moment of every day. Luckily, he understands more about me than I do. He shows me my heart so that I can learn and so that I can grow and be more like him ... one moment at a time.

For She Loved Much ....

2008-08-01T06:48:00.000-07:00

Do I Love God

2008-07-28T06:27:00.000-07:00

That turned out to be a very serious question. I wanted to know the answer but at the same time I already knew the answer. The truth is ... sometimes.

Love is an interesting word ... one I've thought about a lot during my life. What is love? What does it really mean? How do you know that someone really loves you? How do you know it isn't just a "word?" How do you know you are "loving" someone?

For many years, I thought love was a feeling. That emotional state of just "feeling" love. If you love me, I will feel it ... that's actually how I got all messed up with sex. If you have sex with me, that must mean that you love me. Even if it is only for a few moments. For those moments, I would "feel" loved ... it was all about how I feel when I'm with you.

During my relationship with the Lord (and with Paul) I've had to "unlearn" that kind of behavior. I understand more about love ... realizing that love is not just about how you feel ... it has much more to do with my actions. Our actions (things we do for others) is really the way that love is expressed ... and often there is no "feeling" or mushy emotion that comes with it. Love is when you sacrifice a part of you (time, money, desires) and do something for someone else when there is absolutely nothing in it for you.

Look at the cross. Isn't Jesus' sacrifice the absolute ultimate expression of God's love for us? Jesus' actions and willingness to give everything ... absolutely everything is a picture of perfect love ... love in action. There was a part of him that was afraid ... he was in anguish at what was about to take place. "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will."

And yet, he did what he was there to do. It just simply amazes me and it gives me hope. He did what he was asked to do ... I can't even comprehend or imagine having to face what Jesus had to go through. But in the same breath, I have to say that I do understand what it is like to be asked to do something that seems completely impossible ... something that causes me pain and anguish like I have never known. There is no comparison to the cross that Jesus had to bear ... but it is my cross and it is hard to bear at times.

I keep thinking about Jesus ... wondering how he was able to do what he did. Why didn't he give up? Why didn't he just say "I can't do this!" Why didn't he just say "this is too hard?" Why didn't he just run away and hide from what he was asked to do?

I can only come up with one answer ... love.

He loved His Father and did what he was asked to do
He loved the ones that would be saved because of his suffering, his death and his resurrection.
He saw the greater purpose .... it may hurt for a while ... but what was on the other side of this hurt was the greater good.

Leaves me with only one question ... God is asking me to do something specific during this particular season ... will I do it ... or will I choose not to do it.

Do I love God ... or do I love myself more?

Know God vs. Love God

2008-07-24T10:27:00.000-07:00

Now there's an interesting question. Do you know God vs. do you love God? Can you know God and NOT love God?

I never thought about it that way before ...

Learning so much from watching my daughter's relationship with the Lord.

Last night we were talking about things like TV shows ... music ... clothes ... boys (you know, teenage stuff) ... and we talked about how those things influence what we think, what we believe, etc. Typical for me ... when she comes to me with what the world has to offer and how it affects what she thinks ... I pull out the bible and start looking for what God says about it. Quick to point out the choices that she has to make ... but lately I've been reading what God says and sitting back and watching as she wrestles with the choice that needs to think about. (Guiding her vs. trying to control her.)

Last night was all about "what we think" ... so I found the scriptures that say we should think about things that are lovely, things that are pure (Philippians 4, I think). Typical for my daughter ... she listens intently ... and as honest as can be announces that while she understands what God is saying ... she's just "not there" yet.

She doesn't feel bad ... she doesn't feel guilty ... she doesn't try to jump right into it and change whatever it is ... she is just honest ... a "matter of fact" kind of attitude. She hears it ... she understands it ... and she is honest enough with herself and with the Lord ... to say that she isn't ready to accept that particular truth or principle. Enough said ... and she goes back to whatever she is doing.

My daughter and I share some very similar traits ... stubborness, rebellious, selfish and the list goes on. But in one area ... we are very different. Her relationship with the Lord is more "child like" than mine ... more honest than mine ... and I learn a lot by watching her.

Starting to see that there is a big difference in knowing the Lord ... and even following the Lord ... vs loving the Lord.

I know the Lord ... and I follow the Lord ... but I can't honestly say with 100% certainty that I love the Lord.

I can say that I need him ... I can say that he intrigues me and that I am almost compelled to learn more and more about him. I can say that I listen and try to understand how he wants me to live this life and I do my best to accept and live the truths that are revealed to me. I want him to save me, to protect me, to comfort me and to love me.

But I think I know more about his love for me vs my love for him.

Sounds strange ... I've known the Lord for about 4 years. I wonder what the answer will be when I ask (I'm asking, Lord) ... in all of that time ... have I ever learned to love you for you? Any of the time? Loved you for you ... and not what you can give to me?

There's a verse that has been penetrating my heart ... not sure where it is ... maybe Luke. It says "why do you call me Lord, Lord, when you don't do as I say?"

I've done a lot of things "in the name of the Lord" ... but I wonder just how much of that was done out of obligation ... to try and earn all that I have been given ... to make myself feel better by being able to point to this or that to say "look, see how much I love you."

Wonder if any of it ... was done simply because I loved him.
Sometimes no answer at all is all the answer that I need.

Led by the Spirit

2008-07-23T10:23:00.000-07:00

Sounds easy enough, huh? Actually, I've been learning that it is a moment by moment experience.

Yesterday morning I woke up ... sat outside and thought about my day. My boss told me last week that she wanted me to work in the office vs. working from home. It was only going to be a 1/2 day because the cable folks were coming to connect internet service and cable.

I reasoned my way through it ... thinking I would be much more productive if I worked from home. I could work longer without the commute ... but the truth is that I just didn't feel like getting dressed and driving for 1.5 hours to get there.

Still, my boss specifically told me to come into the office. (Sigh) It was an authority issue ... something I struggle with. I've only recently become aware that my boss and the authority that she has over me ... is designed and approved by God Himself.

Submitting (doing what they tell me) is just part of God's plan ... and is probably the hardest issue that I've kicked against ... at least recently.

Somewhat of a rebel ... I tend to want to do things my way and not listen to what others tell me to do. Now when God tells me to do something ... I may not always do it ... but I'm a lot more open to it. I mean, it's God, right?

So how does that equate to the rest of the time when God ISN'T specifically telling me what to do?

Authorities....

People placed in my life whose specific priority is to BE an authority in my life ... that could be my boss, that could be the person in charge of a service project ... basically, anyone who has been put in charge over me. For kids ... that would be mom and dad. It can also be a police officer or a judge in court.

Authority comes in many different forms ... but all designed and put into place by God ... for the purpose of teaching, disciplining and lots of other difficult lessons. Read Romans 13 below ... the part that gets me is where it says if you don't do what is right, you should fear the one in authority because they have been given the "sword" for a reason! Ouch!

ROMANS 13: Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. For he is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer.

Surrendering our will ... my desire to do what I want to do ... is an age-old battle. Flesh vs. spirit.
My will versus God's will. Self is strong and kicks hard against dying...but that is the goal. In order to be led by the Spirit ... self has to die.

So why bother, right? If it's that hard, why do it?

I can only answer that based on what I know. When I stop fighting ... when I stop trying to do what I want to do ... then the Spirit (God) can actually do something with me. Led me to help others, led me to pray for people, led me to avoid situations ... you get the picture. By losing my life, I find it. I find a life that I never imagined.

I'm really learning a lot with the kids right now ... a 13 year old and a 17 year old. The difference in "self will" is astounding. Both hate it when we tell them what needs to be done. Both get mad ... and both get that teenage attitude. But after the initial attitude ... the younger tends to surrender more quickly than the older.

Don't know why ... I guess we are all different. Some surrender more easily than others. But the one thing that is true for both of them ... they both come face to face with their own heart ... and they both have the desire to rebel against whatever is being asked. Personally, I want to throttle both of them. (Hmm ... wonder if God thinks that way when I don't want to listen.)

So how did my day turn out?

I went into the office ... and when I stopped for gas in Haymarket ... I ran into someone that played a pivotal part in my life ... someone who was only in my life for less than a year ... someone I hadn't seen for 4 years. Someone who believed me when no one else did. Someone who gave me strength (by believing in me) and encouragement when I left my husband ... left everything ... and made the decision to listen to God. He's not a Christian ... doesn't go to my church and doesn't live anywhere close to me. My point ... our paths would never have crossed again.

I've prayed for this person occasionally ... always hoping that I would have a chance one day to say "thank you."

If I had not gone to work that day ... I would have missed that opportunity.

And never to be one that does anything in a small way ... God showed off again that day. There were two deer that came to visit my office ... in the parking lot behind a bunch of office buildings ... and across from the police training facility ... where gunfire and screeching tires ... helicopters and all kind of noises were present.

Those deer shouldn't have been there ... yet there they were ... munching on grass and content to stay there for as long as I could stay outside to watch them.

You may not think much of these two things ... but it was just a little reminder that God notices when I do the right thing ... and sometimes he tells me that he notices.