In a very reflective mood today ... attended a viewing/funeral of a friend.
Choices ... is what most impacted me through this situation. The choice to be open to relationships with people and the opportunities that are presented ... or the choice to be closed ... hiding behind our walls of mistrust, judgement or selfishness.
For the record, this man believed in the Lord, accepted Jesus as his Savior and was active in a church. For me, the certainty of his eternal destiny brought peace and acceptance ... and so I've been able to move past being concerned about that ... and on to pondering other things about life.
He loved to sing and had the most amazing voice ... the kind that you can listen to for hours and hours. He was amazingly optimistic ... despite severe health problems and various physical challenges ... this man was upbeat and positive. Comments of encouragement were always ready to come out at any moment. He saw the good in people ... he saw the positive ... and he never failed to point out those things.
I don't remember EVER having one negative conversation with this man at all. He never saw a glass that was half empty ... it wasn't even a possibility.
There was a genuine "love" or acceptance for people ... again, always seeing the good in someone. He liked people ... and enjoyed any time that was given to spend with those privileged enough to know this wonderful and gentle man.
It may sound like I knew him well ... I didn't.
I could count on one hand the opportunities where I made the choice to spend time with this man. On the other hand, I cannot count the opportunities that I made a different choice ... to not spend time with this man. I was busy, I didn't have time, I didn't feel comfortable ... blah, blah, blah ... just lousy excuses for being selfish with my time and my heart.
I learned more about this man at his funeral ... then I did when he was alive.
That makes me sad ... not guilty ... but sad. Sad that I didn't take advantage of the opportunities that were presented before me ... the opportunity to spend time with him and to learn firsthand the things that were said today.
The things I wrote earlier ... most traits or characteristics that I did observe personally. But there was so much more to this man ... the things that he accomplished ... the places that he volunteered ... his incredible passion for knowledge and conversation ... the places he worked ... his views on life and his experiences and knowledge gained during his relationship with the Lord.
So much that I would say to him now ... so many questions that I would ask ... what a privilege it really would be to spend time with him ... to get to know him ... but it's too late. Those opportunities have passed ... and I can't get them back.
While I cannot change the past ... and that is why there is no guilt ... I can make the choice to still learn something from this man.
To look at every encounter with a person as an opportunity ... not an opportunity to witness ... not an opportunity to get them "saved" ... not an opportunity to help them get their life straightened out ...
An opportunity to just spend time with them ... to get to know them ... to get a close up and bird's eye view of God's splendid craftsmanship. Unique in character ... unique in experiences ... unique in how they view life ... unique in how they think ... unlike anyone else in this entire world.
Dan, I didn't spend much time with you ... I didn't accept the opportunities that were provided to me to get to know you better ... but I pray that I will hold on to what I have experienced through your physical death on this earth ... and that I will remember these experiences every time I have an opportunity to spend time with people.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Addiction
The journey continues ... so much closer than I was a few months ago ... but still not over yet.
Was talking with the Lord a few days ago ... after a week long attempt to just lay down the cigarettes again (for the millionth time). Asked God to show me where I am with it all ... to show me how he sees it from his perspective. Turned out to be very interesting.
With my job ending just a few weeks ago, Paul and I have been making some changes so that we can live on his salary and allow me the opportunity to explore the opportunities to serve God in a different way.
So we started looking at how we use the resources that we have ... specifically, food. Paul is such a good steward of money ... we had already prepared for this season by cutting out extras ... but we started looking at things a different way. What if we ate the food that we bought ... in the portions or servings that are suggested ... instead of eating twice or three times more than we need to eat.
So we started with our cats, actually. We have four cats ... and all of them are accustomed to a "free range" kind of eating lifestyle. Food bowl is available 24/7. Anytime day or night ... they can go and take a few nibbles.
This hasn't worked well in the past ... 3 of the 4 cats are severely overweight. I mean, REALLY overweight. When they run through the house, their belly swings from side to side. They are spoiled ... and we are responsible because we allow them to overindulge.
That's where we started ... on the back of the cat food ... it specifically says how much food each cat should have for the day ... according to each cat's specific weight. (Paul and I are actually adopting this kind of philosophy for our family ... if a serving of rice or pasta is 1/2 cup ... that's what I am serving.) Brand new for us ... and for the cats as well.
The first night we took up the cat's food bowl at about 7:00 pm. Around 10:30 or so, one of the cats (Shadow) FREAKED out! First let me explain that the other 3 cats have been outside ... either for a season ... or lived outside for some or most of their lives.
Not true for Shadow ... she is about 9 years old and has never stepped one foot outside. She has no idea what it is like to fend for yourself ... to find food on her own ... no concept of what it is like to be without food for even a few hours.
Paul and I are in bed and she is freaking out ... running up and down the bed (on my side, of course) ... circling my head ... stepping all over me ... and crying. She was making every attempt that she knew to make sure that I knew that something was desperately wrong. She tried rubbing against my hand ... my face ... and all parts of my body. She tried laying as close to me as possible, crying and crying.
My heart went out for her. It was if she were screaming to me ... "Mommy ... Mommy ... MOMMY!!! There is NO food! THERE is no FOOD! Someone took the food bowl ... it is gone ... I don't know where it is ... but the FOOD is GONE! I'm going to DIE without a food bowl! I just know that I'm going to die ... there IS NO FOOD! Do you get it??? There is NO FOOD!! Oh, what am I going to do????
Complete and total panic.
The thing was ... I'm sitting there ... doing what I could to calm her down (which was nothing!) ... but I'm rubbing her ... stroking her belly ... all to no avail. But ... there I was with the knowledge that at 7:30 the next morning ... there would be food. Food was there ... I knew where it was ... and I knew that I would be bringing out a food bowl in just a few hours.
But Shadow didn't know this ... all she knew was that the food was GONE.
God used that experience as a way of showing me just where I am with cigarettes. Without saying anything directly to me ... I felt like he was showing me the state of panic that I get in ... and specifically that I refuse to stay in that "uncertain" kind of place long enough to find out that there is a food bowl.
Unlike Shadow, I have a choice ... so when I find myself in that place (which I put myself) ... and take my own food bowl away ... I never quite make it to 7:30 the next morning. But I think I'm making it now to about 4 or 5 in the morning ... if that makes any sense.
I used to think that I had no control ... that smoking was just who I am ... what I do ... and that I had no choice. I was addicted...and there was no hope.
But piece by piece ... God has taught me a great many things ... the first of which is that smoking is a choice. That day that I realized it was a choice ... was really the first step on this journey ... this road to recovery ... this road that is leading me to being free from this addiction.
It's been a long road ... and it's been a hard road ... but I am near the end now ... and I can see it ... I just have to keep going and believe that the Lord will finish what he started with me ... that he will continue to lead me out of this place.
I can go days now and not smoke ... I can get angry now and not smoke ... I can be sad now and not smoke ... I can be frustrated now and not smoke ... and I can be hurt by others ... and not smoke. There are a lot of MOMENTS that I don't have to smoke anymore.
There is no addiction anymore ... all that is left is the desire to do something that I've done for a long time. That seems to be the last piece ... the last step for me ... to put to death the desires of my flesh. It's a hard place ... a place that I don't like ... but at the same time ... a place that I long to be. To be in control of my flesh ... instead of having my flesh be in control of me.
I'm not where I want to be yet ... but I'm not where I used to be either.
You know, it's funny ... the Lord told me almost five years ago to believe in him. That's what he told me the first time that I asked him about smoking. I've spent a lot of time pondering that statement ... even being frustrated with that statement ... wondering what it meant.
I've spent the last five years learning about the Lord ... getting to know him ... and learning to trust him. Sometimes I wish that I were the kind of person that could just surrender all and never look back. I wonder now if there is such a person.
It's taken time ... and effort ... and discipline ... to walk with the Lord ... to believe in the Lord. He will finish this with me ... and it has taken the time that it has taken.
He knows there is a food bowl for me ... He has always had everything that I need ... now he is simply waiting for me to trust him .... to stay in that "uncertain" place until 7:30 a.m. and then he'll bring out that food bowl.
By the way, the next morning ... all of the cats were circling me like sharks ... waiting for that food bowl. Shadow ate so fast ... gorging herself ... and threw up less than 30 minutes later. That went on for the first three days or so ... but now she has adjusted ... she doesn't panic anymore ... and she doesn't gorge herself anymore.
She eats the food that is provided ... and while she does attempt to convince me to give her food at other times of the day ... she doesn't panic anymore ... she knows that she will get what she needs.
I'll get there ...
Was talking with the Lord a few days ago ... after a week long attempt to just lay down the cigarettes again (for the millionth time). Asked God to show me where I am with it all ... to show me how he sees it from his perspective. Turned out to be very interesting.
With my job ending just a few weeks ago, Paul and I have been making some changes so that we can live on his salary and allow me the opportunity to explore the opportunities to serve God in a different way.
So we started looking at how we use the resources that we have ... specifically, food. Paul is such a good steward of money ... we had already prepared for this season by cutting out extras ... but we started looking at things a different way. What if we ate the food that we bought ... in the portions or servings that are suggested ... instead of eating twice or three times more than we need to eat.
So we started with our cats, actually. We have four cats ... and all of them are accustomed to a "free range" kind of eating lifestyle. Food bowl is available 24/7. Anytime day or night ... they can go and take a few nibbles.
This hasn't worked well in the past ... 3 of the 4 cats are severely overweight. I mean, REALLY overweight. When they run through the house, their belly swings from side to side. They are spoiled ... and we are responsible because we allow them to overindulge.
That's where we started ... on the back of the cat food ... it specifically says how much food each cat should have for the day ... according to each cat's specific weight. (Paul and I are actually adopting this kind of philosophy for our family ... if a serving of rice or pasta is 1/2 cup ... that's what I am serving.) Brand new for us ... and for the cats as well.
The first night we took up the cat's food bowl at about 7:00 pm. Around 10:30 or so, one of the cats (Shadow) FREAKED out! First let me explain that the other 3 cats have been outside ... either for a season ... or lived outside for some or most of their lives.
Not true for Shadow ... she is about 9 years old and has never stepped one foot outside. She has no idea what it is like to fend for yourself ... to find food on her own ... no concept of what it is like to be without food for even a few hours.
Paul and I are in bed and she is freaking out ... running up and down the bed (on my side, of course) ... circling my head ... stepping all over me ... and crying. She was making every attempt that she knew to make sure that I knew that something was desperately wrong. She tried rubbing against my hand ... my face ... and all parts of my body. She tried laying as close to me as possible, crying and crying.
My heart went out for her. It was if she were screaming to me ... "Mommy ... Mommy ... MOMMY!!! There is NO food! THERE is no FOOD! Someone took the food bowl ... it is gone ... I don't know where it is ... but the FOOD is GONE! I'm going to DIE without a food bowl! I just know that I'm going to die ... there IS NO FOOD! Do you get it??? There is NO FOOD!! Oh, what am I going to do????
Complete and total panic.
The thing was ... I'm sitting there ... doing what I could to calm her down (which was nothing!) ... but I'm rubbing her ... stroking her belly ... all to no avail. But ... there I was with the knowledge that at 7:30 the next morning ... there would be food. Food was there ... I knew where it was ... and I knew that I would be bringing out a food bowl in just a few hours.
But Shadow didn't know this ... all she knew was that the food was GONE.
God used that experience as a way of showing me just where I am with cigarettes. Without saying anything directly to me ... I felt like he was showing me the state of panic that I get in ... and specifically that I refuse to stay in that "uncertain" kind of place long enough to find out that there is a food bowl.
Unlike Shadow, I have a choice ... so when I find myself in that place (which I put myself) ... and take my own food bowl away ... I never quite make it to 7:30 the next morning. But I think I'm making it now to about 4 or 5 in the morning ... if that makes any sense.
I used to think that I had no control ... that smoking was just who I am ... what I do ... and that I had no choice. I was addicted...and there was no hope.
But piece by piece ... God has taught me a great many things ... the first of which is that smoking is a choice. That day that I realized it was a choice ... was really the first step on this journey ... this road to recovery ... this road that is leading me to being free from this addiction.
It's been a long road ... and it's been a hard road ... but I am near the end now ... and I can see it ... I just have to keep going and believe that the Lord will finish what he started with me ... that he will continue to lead me out of this place.
I can go days now and not smoke ... I can get angry now and not smoke ... I can be sad now and not smoke ... I can be frustrated now and not smoke ... and I can be hurt by others ... and not smoke. There are a lot of MOMENTS that I don't have to smoke anymore.
There is no addiction anymore ... all that is left is the desire to do something that I've done for a long time. That seems to be the last piece ... the last step for me ... to put to death the desires of my flesh. It's a hard place ... a place that I don't like ... but at the same time ... a place that I long to be. To be in control of my flesh ... instead of having my flesh be in control of me.
I'm not where I want to be yet ... but I'm not where I used to be either.
You know, it's funny ... the Lord told me almost five years ago to believe in him. That's what he told me the first time that I asked him about smoking. I've spent a lot of time pondering that statement ... even being frustrated with that statement ... wondering what it meant.
I've spent the last five years learning about the Lord ... getting to know him ... and learning to trust him. Sometimes I wish that I were the kind of person that could just surrender all and never look back. I wonder now if there is such a person.
It's taken time ... and effort ... and discipline ... to walk with the Lord ... to believe in the Lord. He will finish this with me ... and it has taken the time that it has taken.
He knows there is a food bowl for me ... He has always had everything that I need ... now he is simply waiting for me to trust him .... to stay in that "uncertain" place until 7:30 a.m. and then he'll bring out that food bowl.
By the way, the next morning ... all of the cats were circling me like sharks ... waiting for that food bowl. Shadow ate so fast ... gorging herself ... and threw up less than 30 minutes later. That went on for the first three days or so ... but now she has adjusted ... she doesn't panic anymore ... and she doesn't gorge herself anymore.
She eats the food that is provided ... and while she does attempt to convince me to give her food at other times of the day ... she doesn't panic anymore ... she knows that she will get what she needs.
I'll get there ...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
