Addictions (contd)

Wow ... what a great day yesterday turned out to be!

I smoked all day!

Nah, that's not what made it a great day ... what made it a great day was that I smoked all day ... and on the way home had a "come to Jesus" meeting with Jesus in my car ... talked about the things that were weighing me down ... did some confessing ... and did some thanking him anyway for some of the junk that I've been going through ... and then just started singing and praising God.

By the time I got home, I was so high from praising God that I got right back on the wagon again.
That surprised me ... because the mood that I was in yesterday morning was to have at least a 2-3 day binge with cigarettes. In fact, I think I was looking forward to that binge.

But that is what is so different now ... I may fall down or stumble ... but I spend a lot less time with my face in the dirt than I used to. I get up a lot quicker and get right back on the wagon. Somewhere along the way ... quitting "quitting smoking" became "not an option." Guess I'm in it for the long haul ... however long that takes.

Ah! (Moment of revelation!) ... I get it ...

The Lord has touched me in many ways and I have experienced some miraculous healing and deliverance ... and while I have been very grateful for the grace and blessings that have come from the Lord ... just like an addict ... I reached a point where it just wasn't enough ... I needed more ... wanted something different ... I didn't just want a touch ... I wanted to be changed. No, I really needed to be changed.

And that is just what he has been doing ... changing me ... changing my heart ... changing me from the inside. But God also had a plan ... and his plan had much more to do with changing my character....

It's very, very cool ... and I see how God is working with me in this addiction. The ground that is taken ... is never lost. Embarking on this journey with the Lord has really solidified the concept of how the Lord can gain a presence or a "beachhead" in our lives ... and then move forward from that point. Gaining ground a little bit at a time.

The obstinate and stubborn part of me wanted it "done" immediately. Instant gratification. I want what I want ... and I want it NOW! And if, by the way, the process is going to hurt ... then I need it to be done even sooner than that!

I've always wanted the end result ... but I never wanted to travel down the path to get there. Too hard, too much pain or just plain selfish and lazy. Whatever ... I finally ran out of excuses ... I finally got tired of trying to manipulate God (okay, truth is that I didn't get tired of this one ... I just learned that it doesn't work) ... and I finally got tired of being paralyzed by fear.

(Chuckling) My last attempt was back in September (and that is when things really started changing). "But God, it's not fair for you to ask me to do this ... you don't understand ... you cannot possibly understand just how impossible this is for me to do ... you don't understand what you are asking me to do?" His response: "You can do this."

He was right, of course ...

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.