Addictions (contd)

God is so cool ... and I just adore how the Holy Spirit works through us and with us.

I think my words yesterday spent a little too much time swirling around in my head. Kept thinking about that 2-3 day binge ... and before I could undo those thoughts ... I started down the path of feeling like I had been cheated from a real TIME OUT ... and soon those feelings turned right into the action of going to the store and getting cigarettes again.

I'm so familiar with this process that it is just down right annoying ... thought, feeling and then action. Predictable ... same pattern, same process and same result.

But like I said ... I don't really beat myself up anymore because I realize that it is just part of the learning ... part of the journey.

Was talking out some of my feelings to my husband last night ... but he was second in line because I was talking to God about it first. Had some questions and just needed a little advice and guidance. Often I can describe how I feel ... but don't understand where it comes from. So when Paul was able to sit down with me ... we talked and I basically repeated the same things that I was talking to God about ...

The coolest thing happened ... Paul talked about the fact that there is someone else that has a "beachhead" in our addictions. Satan. And just as much as God has a beachhead in my struggle ... so does Satan. In fact, I can say that with my addiction ... Satan used to have a stronghold in this area.

Not anymore! Through this struggle ... God and I both have invaded that territory and started taking back the land that belongs to us. So while we both have walked into that territory and planted a flag ... the enemy's presence is still there ... and the battle isn't over. (But at least there is a battle now, instead of Satan squatting on MY LAND!)

BUT ... as long as I keep opening the door ... or leaving a crack in the door ... I'm allowing Satan to maintain that beachhead. Leave the door open too long ... and he makes advances ... and it's harder for me to close the door.

(Big sigh) ... tough stuff. Still up to me to close that door ... Paul got a dose of truth too. He likes to leave his door cracked ... just a wee bit ... but still open.

I still found all of this pretty cool, though ... Paul doesn't read my writings so he had no idea that I used the word "beachhead" to describe the struggle.

I just love it when God confirms that he is listening and watching. I mean, I know it ... but it is so much better when I can see it or hear it ... straight from him!

Addictions (contd)

Wow ... what a great day yesterday turned out to be!

I smoked all day!

Nah, that's not what made it a great day ... what made it a great day was that I smoked all day ... and on the way home had a "come to Jesus" meeting with Jesus in my car ... talked about the things that were weighing me down ... did some confessing ... and did some thanking him anyway for some of the junk that I've been going through ... and then just started singing and praising God.

By the time I got home, I was so high from praising God that I got right back on the wagon again.
That surprised me ... because the mood that I was in yesterday morning was to have at least a 2-3 day binge with cigarettes. In fact, I think I was looking forward to that binge.

But that is what is so different now ... I may fall down or stumble ... but I spend a lot less time with my face in the dirt than I used to. I get up a lot quicker and get right back on the wagon. Somewhere along the way ... quitting "quitting smoking" became "not an option." Guess I'm in it for the long haul ... however long that takes.

Ah! (Moment of revelation!) ... I get it ...

The Lord has touched me in many ways and I have experienced some miraculous healing and deliverance ... and while I have been very grateful for the grace and blessings that have come from the Lord ... just like an addict ... I reached a point where it just wasn't enough ... I needed more ... wanted something different ... I didn't just want a touch ... I wanted to be changed. No, I really needed to be changed.

And that is just what he has been doing ... changing me ... changing my heart ... changing me from the inside. But God also had a plan ... and his plan had much more to do with changing my character....

It's very, very cool ... and I see how God is working with me in this addiction. The ground that is taken ... is never lost. Embarking on this journey with the Lord has really solidified the concept of how the Lord can gain a presence or a "beachhead" in our lives ... and then move forward from that point. Gaining ground a little bit at a time.

The obstinate and stubborn part of me wanted it "done" immediately. Instant gratification. I want what I want ... and I want it NOW! And if, by the way, the process is going to hurt ... then I need it to be done even sooner than that!

I've always wanted the end result ... but I never wanted to travel down the path to get there. Too hard, too much pain or just plain selfish and lazy. Whatever ... I finally ran out of excuses ... I finally got tired of trying to manipulate God (okay, truth is that I didn't get tired of this one ... I just learned that it doesn't work) ... and I finally got tired of being paralyzed by fear.

(Chuckling) My last attempt was back in September (and that is when things really started changing). "But God, it's not fair for you to ask me to do this ... you don't understand ... you cannot possibly understand just how impossible this is for me to do ... you don't understand what you are asking me to do?" His response: "You can do this."

He was right, of course ...

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Addiction

Been a long time since I've written ... here or my own journals. Guess it was good in a way because I've had no choice but to learn how to communicate about things that I think about in verbal ways rather than just writing. (Kind of necessary in a marriage!)

Still ... I missed writing.

Feeling very introspective today ... taking a break with this addiction thing. From what I learned about the whole addiction process ... you can call it a detour. A time when I'm just saying "TIME OUT!" I need a break from this very difficult battle.

I feel like I've been climbing up this mountain for a long time ... and while I definitely see that I'm closer to the top than I am to the bottom ... I'm still not there. But I have learned to redefine how I view success and more importantly how God views success. Success isn't necessarily where your journey ends ... as in the end result. Success IS the journey ... that you continue to travel and not quit.

I've learned a lot along the way ... probably the biggest lesson was to trust God a little bit more. Wish I could say that I read my bible every day and I prayed 3 times a day and that I fasted and employed all of the other standard disciplines for staying connected to God.

The truth is that most of the time I just held on ... held on when the storms came ... held on when the emotions threatened to overwhelm me ... held on when I finally had to face all of the pain and emotions that come along with being a human being on this earth.

Yeah, I know that sounds weird ... but God understands what I'm saying and the journey that I have taken with him on this has been like nothing else that I have experienced with him.

Bottom line is that throughout my lifetime ... I learned how to mask my pain (my sadness, my disappointment, my fear, my inadequacy, etc). I learned ... through various addictive behaviors ... to not feel pain. I learned to turn to cigarettes or drugs ... and not to turn to God. That will take me a lifetime to understand the process of how I got where I got ...

But the places that I've been on this journey ... are destinations and events that happen internally ... inside my heart. I've been facing my fears ... or maybe I should say that I've been facing my heart and actually experiencing the hurt and the pain that I have shut out for so many years.

It has surprised me ... for so long I thought I was ruled by my emotions and my feelings ... but as I learn to REALLY experience those emotions ... I find myself constantly saying "Wow, I haven't felt that in YEARS." All of those times have been painful. But when I really FELT the pain ... and allowed God to lead me THROUGH the pain ... it triggered memories from childhood of a similar feeling.

I learned that I've been running and hiding from feelings and emotions for a very long time ... refusing to feel it.

I was reading back at some of my really early blogs when I first started this journey ... it was October 2007 ... and I was listing my blogs like this: Death of an Addiction -- Day 1.

I would make it a few days without a cigarette ... and then I would "fail" ... and the next time that I wrote ... I would have to write Day 1 again.

You know what? I was trying so hard to achieve the "end result" (which means not to smoke) ... that for the longest time ... I didn't understand that the real journey ... was not the days that I did not smoke ... but more importantly ... the days that I did smoke ... because it was those days that held the secret to the root reasons and causes for the addiction.

Jesus is so backwards ... I'm still getting used to it. If you find me smoking in the parking lot of the church ... your very human reaction would be ... she has failed ... she is still addicted.

But the work that has been done ... has been done internally ... in my heart and in my spirit ... and does not yet show on the outside.

One day it will show on the outside ... but until then ... I will just keep climbing that mountain (with an occasional detour here and there ... just to take a break and get refreshed).