Birds ... cont'd

It seems I was a little harsh on the momma and poppa robins yesterday. I did a little bit of research and learned that the babies are SUPPOSED to leave the nest ... at a certain age (about 14 days old) they are all too big to stay in the nest and one by one they leave the nest.

The parents are well aware of this and even give some "tough love" (which equates to less frequent feeding) to encourage the babies to leave the nest.

So these little babies leave the nest and hang around close by for up to 2 weeks ... and the parents (mostly the poppa) continue to take care of them ... feeding them ... and working with them on the various skills that are necessary to survive.

If/when the "fledglings" survive this time period ... then they fly away and become fully independent and the parents go on to start another nest/family.

A lot of lessons in this for me to ponder ... but I just wanted to post my apologies to the momma and poppa robin ... and to God for getting frustrated with things that are far too awesome for me to figure out!

If you are interested ... here is a blog with video that shows this beautful process ... stage by stage. http://www.howpeg.com/robinblog2005/

Look at the birds of the air -- Do Not Worry

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" (Matthew 6:26-28)


I've been watching the birds for the past few days ... mostly robins ... feasting on the buffet that has been provided with all the rain that has fallen. The rain falls ... the earth that was hard and unyielding ... becomes soft and yielding. In this case, the earthworms rise to the surface and provide a smorgasbord ... all you can eat buffet for the birds.


This morning as I watched ... I noticed a baby bird that was doing his or her best to hop around. I couldn't tell if it were hurt (broken wing or something) or if it was so young that it was a young "hobbler" instead of an experienced "hopper." Regardless, as I approached ... the little bird just opened it's mouth ... expecting and hoping for food. I felt so powerless but yet wanted to help so bad.


Caitlin was with me and since she was the braver of the two of us ... I suggested she be the one to find a worm and feed it to this little critter. So I found the worm ... but stood back while she picked the wriggly and slimy thing up. But the closer we got to the baby bird, the more the momma and the poppa birds (who were in the tree) started screeching and raising a ruckus.


We got the message and left it alone ... but I was ticked because here was this helpless baby bird who was obviously either forced to leave the nest or bravely thought it was ready to leave the nest and then found itself unable to fly. Okay, I admit ... I know nothing about the actual process. I guess I think that a bird doesn't leave the nest until they can actually fly. Regardless of how it happens ... here it was ... on the ground ... unable to fly ... seemingly without the care of it's parents. Found myself getting mad at the momma and poppa birds because they weren't taking care of this baby. I was ticked that it was there on the ground and was not able to fend for itself.


So we (I) sort of stomped away ... yelling at the birds for not taking care of their young ... and very distraught that this baby bird was probably going to be "lunch" for one of the many cats in the trailer park. Caitlin and I went for a walk ... finding a smashed and flattened bird along the way. Great! Completely powerless to stop things from being hurt or flattened by cars!


Yeah, I know ... if my heart was this tender for people ... I could be a much more compassionate follower of Christ. Oh well, I'm getting there ... but right now it is nature and birds and deer and cats that get my attention and my compassion.


So later in the day, I'm sitting outside again ... watching this little bird. It seemed to be so distraught ... now chirping or crying ... seemed to be yelling for attention ... yelling for food. Poor thing, it looked so miserable ... so lost.


My gaze was drawn to the left side when I sensed a movement ... ANOTHER baby bird ... probably from the same nest. Now I'm thinking, what the heck, man ... what kind of day is it? Did the mom and dad wake up and decide that it was time for EVERYBODY to leave the nest?


But this baby bird was different ... it wasn't distraught at all ... in fact, it looked down right happy and pleased to be moving around on it's own. It hopped for a few steps and stopped ... started fluffing or cleaning it's feathers ... whatever it is that birds do. These guys were so small that they still had some of those "down" kind of feathers. I watched it for a while ... comparing the one baby bird to the other.

The one seemed distraught and distressed ... new environment ... new dangers ... fear of the unknown ... didn't even know how to find food. It seemed to be in a state of panic and worry. But the other baby bird seemed to be completely oblivious to anything negative ... it seemed to be content to be in the sunshine ... content to be in a new environment ... content to hop around just a little ... and content to just sit there and not even chirp or keep his mouth open.

The Lord kept telling me ... "keep watching." So I watched ... and I watched ... and my heart was wrenched as I watched the distraught baby cry out and cry out. I remembered the verse that says that God feeds these little critters ... so, yep, you got it ... I started praying.

Before too much longer, here comes the momma bird. I'd been watching her for some time ... flying in and out of the tree ... feasting on worms for herself ... but seemingly oblivious to these two babies on the ground.

Eventually though, she came and fed the second baby bird ... the one that was NOT distressed. It was closest to her ... and although I don't know the reasons ... it was that baby that seemed to get the immediate attention.

So while I was happy to see that the momma bird didn't actually "abandon" these babies ... I was starting to get even more distraught myself (tears streaming while I started to pray for God to FEED this baby). By now, the first baby bird must have gotten sight or scent of the momma and started chirping so loudly that I believe there is no way this momma bird could have ignored it.

But ignore it, she did ... at least for a while. She made a couple of trips and fed the second baby again and again ... but eventually came over to the first baby bird and gave it a single worm. I started thanking God ... I was so distraught over the whole thing that I felt enormous relief when the first baby bird was finally attended to ...

I watched for a while longer and I saw the second baby receive 3rd and 4th helpings on this noon day meal ... but the first baby bird only received the one helping.

Now go and figure THAT one out! I pouted for a bit to God and said "why did the one get MORE than the other one ... wasn't he the 'needier' of the two?" He didn't answer me ... so I took that silence to mean ... that's my business and not your's.

While I found several valuable things to look at through this experience ... I think the biggest one was "perspective."

Both of these babies were fed ... taken care of ... (needs which were provided by God) ... one was distressed and distraught and "worried" ... and the other seemed to be content to wait ... almost trusting that what it needed would be provided.

Simple, huh? Consider ... the birds of the air.

Not About Me

I've always had a problem with this statement. Christians throw it around quite carelessly ... "it's not about you" ... "it's about what God wants to do with your life." Maybe I have a chip on my shoulder about it ... it just never settled with me. A powerful yet short combination of words ... words that penetrated my heart like a dagger ... telling me that what the Lord wanted to do in my life ... had nothing to do with me ... that it wasn't about me.

Before I heard that statement ... I noticed things like the sky was really, really blue and the flowers and the colors in spring and fall were vibrant and full of life. I noticed things like how much God was very present in every day and every situation. In short, I noticed how much I mattered to him ... in very real and very practical everyday situations. I noticed how he protected me from people and I noticed ... no, felt how much he delighted in me ... just for being me. I didn't have to do anything to feel his love for me ... my existence brought delight.

But things changed when someone told me that "truth" that I suppose they felt inclined to share with a baby Christian who needed to grow up. When I served ... I didn't know that I was "serving God" ... I was just happy to help my new family with the things they were doing ... happy to spend some time with them ... and ecstatic if the topic of God came up (eventually learned how to make that happen ... snicker, snicker) and even more ecstatic if the opportunity to tell someone who didn't know God about how much he loved them.

But that one simple statement ... it's not about you ... changed everything. All of a sudden it was about a life ... my life ... that God wanted to do something with ... and I felt less of a participant and more of an observer. It was as if God wanted control of my life ... to accomplish his purposes ... but whether I was part of it or not part of it ... really wasn't part of the equation. It wasn't about me ...

As I struggle now to get back to that child-like faith ... it makes me sad that people so casually throw out those statements that take away that innocence that is there in the beginning. I doubt it is intentional ... but those who say it have no idea the impact of those words.

Choices

In a very reflective mood today ... attended a viewing/funeral of a friend.
Choices ... is what most impacted me through this situation. The choice to be open to relationships with people and the opportunities that are presented ... or the choice to be closed ... hiding behind our walls of mistrust, judgement or selfishness.

For the record, this man believed in the Lord, accepted Jesus as his Savior and was active in a church. For me, the certainty of his eternal destiny brought peace and acceptance ... and so I've been able to move past being concerned about that ... and on to pondering other things about life.

He loved to sing and had the most amazing voice ... the kind that you can listen to for hours and hours. He was amazingly optimistic ... despite severe health problems and various physical challenges ... this man was upbeat and positive. Comments of encouragement were always ready to come out at any moment. He saw the good in people ... he saw the positive ... and he never failed to point out those things.

I don't remember EVER having one negative conversation with this man at all. He never saw a glass that was half empty ... it wasn't even a possibility.

There was a genuine "love" or acceptance for people ... again, always seeing the good in someone. He liked people ... and enjoyed any time that was given to spend with those privileged enough to know this wonderful and gentle man.

It may sound like I knew him well ... I didn't.

I could count on one hand the opportunities where I made the choice to spend time with this man. On the other hand, I cannot count the opportunities that I made a different choice ... to not spend time with this man. I was busy, I didn't have time, I didn't feel comfortable ... blah, blah, blah ... just lousy excuses for being selfish with my time and my heart.

I learned more about this man at his funeral ... then I did when he was alive.

That makes me sad ... not guilty ... but sad. Sad that I didn't take advantage of the opportunities that were presented before me ... the opportunity to spend time with him and to learn firsthand the things that were said today.

The things I wrote earlier ... most traits or characteristics that I did observe personally. But there was so much more to this man ... the things that he accomplished ... the places that he volunteered ... his incredible passion for knowledge and conversation ... the places he worked ... his views on life and his experiences and knowledge gained during his relationship with the Lord.

So much that I would say to him now ... so many questions that I would ask ... what a privilege it really would be to spend time with him ... to get to know him ... but it's too late. Those opportunities have passed ... and I can't get them back.

While I cannot change the past ... and that is why there is no guilt ... I can make the choice to still learn something from this man.

To look at every encounter with a person as an opportunity ... not an opportunity to witness ... not an opportunity to get them "saved" ... not an opportunity to help them get their life straightened out ...

An opportunity to just spend time with them ... to get to know them ... to get a close up and bird's eye view of God's splendid craftsmanship. Unique in character ... unique in experiences ... unique in how they view life ... unique in how they think ... unlike anyone else in this entire world.

Dan, I didn't spend much time with you ... I didn't accept the opportunities that were provided to me to get to know you better ... but I pray that I will hold on to what I have experienced through your physical death on this earth ... and that I will remember these experiences every time I have an opportunity to spend time with people.

Addiction

The journey continues ... so much closer than I was a few months ago ... but still not over yet.
Was talking with the Lord a few days ago ... after a week long attempt to just lay down the cigarettes again (for the millionth time). Asked God to show me where I am with it all ... to show me how he sees it from his perspective. Turned out to be very interesting.

With my job ending just a few weeks ago, Paul and I have been making some changes so that we can live on his salary and allow me the opportunity to explore the opportunities to serve God in a different way.

So we started looking at how we use the resources that we have ... specifically, food. Paul is such a good steward of money ... we had already prepared for this season by cutting out extras ... but we started looking at things a different way. What if we ate the food that we bought ... in the portions or servings that are suggested ... instead of eating twice or three times more than we need to eat.

So we started with our cats, actually. We have four cats ... and all of them are accustomed to a "free range" kind of eating lifestyle. Food bowl is available 24/7. Anytime day or night ... they can go and take a few nibbles.

This hasn't worked well in the past ... 3 of the 4 cats are severely overweight. I mean, REALLY overweight. When they run through the house, their belly swings from side to side. They are spoiled ... and we are responsible because we allow them to overindulge.

That's where we started ... on the back of the cat food ... it specifically says how much food each cat should have for the day ... according to each cat's specific weight. (Paul and I are actually adopting this kind of philosophy for our family ... if a serving of rice or pasta is 1/2 cup ... that's what I am serving.) Brand new for us ... and for the cats as well.

The first night we took up the cat's food bowl at about 7:00 pm. Around 10:30 or so, one of the cats (Shadow) FREAKED out! First let me explain that the other 3 cats have been outside ... either for a season ... or lived outside for some or most of their lives.

Not true for Shadow ... she is about 9 years old and has never stepped one foot outside. She has no idea what it is like to fend for yourself ... to find food on her own ... no concept of what it is like to be without food for even a few hours.

Paul and I are in bed and she is freaking out ... running up and down the bed (on my side, of course) ... circling my head ... stepping all over me ... and crying. She was making every attempt that she knew to make sure that I knew that something was desperately wrong. She tried rubbing against my hand ... my face ... and all parts of my body. She tried laying as close to me as possible, crying and crying.

My heart went out for her. It was if she were screaming to me ... "Mommy ... Mommy ... MOMMY!!! There is NO food! THERE is no FOOD! Someone took the food bowl ... it is gone ... I don't know where it is ... but the FOOD is GONE! I'm going to DIE without a food bowl! I just know that I'm going to die ... there IS NO FOOD! Do you get it??? There is NO FOOD!! Oh, what am I going to do????

Complete and total panic.

The thing was ... I'm sitting there ... doing what I could to calm her down (which was nothing!) ... but I'm rubbing her ... stroking her belly ... all to no avail. But ... there I was with the knowledge that at 7:30 the next morning ... there would be food. Food was there ... I knew where it was ... and I knew that I would be bringing out a food bowl in just a few hours.

But Shadow didn't know this ... all she knew was that the food was GONE.

God used that experience as a way of showing me just where I am with cigarettes. Without saying anything directly to me ... I felt like he was showing me the state of panic that I get in ... and specifically that I refuse to stay in that "uncertain" kind of place long enough to find out that there is a food bowl.

Unlike Shadow, I have a choice ... so when I find myself in that place (which I put myself) ... and take my own food bowl away ... I never quite make it to 7:30 the next morning. But I think I'm making it now to about 4 or 5 in the morning ... if that makes any sense.

I used to think that I had no control ... that smoking was just who I am ... what I do ... and that I had no choice. I was addicted...and there was no hope.

But piece by piece ... God has taught me a great many things ... the first of which is that smoking is a choice. That day that I realized it was a choice ... was really the first step on this journey ... this road to recovery ... this road that is leading me to being free from this addiction.

It's been a long road ... and it's been a hard road ... but I am near the end now ... and I can see it ... I just have to keep going and believe that the Lord will finish what he started with me ... that he will continue to lead me out of this place.

I can go days now and not smoke ... I can get angry now and not smoke ... I can be sad now and not smoke ... I can be frustrated now and not smoke ... and I can be hurt by others ... and not smoke. There are a lot of MOMENTS that I don't have to smoke anymore.

There is no addiction anymore ... all that is left is the desire to do something that I've done for a long time. That seems to be the last piece ... the last step for me ... to put to death the desires of my flesh. It's a hard place ... a place that I don't like ... but at the same time ... a place that I long to be. To be in control of my flesh ... instead of having my flesh be in control of me.

I'm not where I want to be yet ... but I'm not where I used to be either.

You know, it's funny ... the Lord told me almost five years ago to believe in him. That's what he told me the first time that I asked him about smoking. I've spent a lot of time pondering that statement ... even being frustrated with that statement ... wondering what it meant.

I've spent the last five years learning about the Lord ... getting to know him ... and learning to trust him. Sometimes I wish that I were the kind of person that could just surrender all and never look back. I wonder now if there is such a person.

It's taken time ... and effort ... and discipline ... to walk with the Lord ... to believe in the Lord. He will finish this with me ... and it has taken the time that it has taken.

He knows there is a food bowl for me ... He has always had everything that I need ... now he is simply waiting for me to trust him .... to stay in that "uncertain" place until 7:30 a.m. and then he'll bring out that food bowl.

By the way, the next morning ... all of the cats were circling me like sharks ... waiting for that food bowl. Shadow ate so fast ... gorging herself ... and threw up less than 30 minutes later. That went on for the first three days or so ... but now she has adjusted ... she doesn't panic anymore ... and she doesn't gorge herself anymore.

She eats the food that is provided ... and while she does attempt to convince me to give her food at other times of the day ... she doesn't panic anymore ... she knows that she will get what she needs.

I'll get there ...

Addictions (contd)

God is so cool ... and I just adore how the Holy Spirit works through us and with us.

I think my words yesterday spent a little too much time swirling around in my head. Kept thinking about that 2-3 day binge ... and before I could undo those thoughts ... I started down the path of feeling like I had been cheated from a real TIME OUT ... and soon those feelings turned right into the action of going to the store and getting cigarettes again.

I'm so familiar with this process that it is just down right annoying ... thought, feeling and then action. Predictable ... same pattern, same process and same result.

But like I said ... I don't really beat myself up anymore because I realize that it is just part of the learning ... part of the journey.

Was talking out some of my feelings to my husband last night ... but he was second in line because I was talking to God about it first. Had some questions and just needed a little advice and guidance. Often I can describe how I feel ... but don't understand where it comes from. So when Paul was able to sit down with me ... we talked and I basically repeated the same things that I was talking to God about ...

The coolest thing happened ... Paul talked about the fact that there is someone else that has a "beachhead" in our addictions. Satan. And just as much as God has a beachhead in my struggle ... so does Satan. In fact, I can say that with my addiction ... Satan used to have a stronghold in this area.

Not anymore! Through this struggle ... God and I both have invaded that territory and started taking back the land that belongs to us. So while we both have walked into that territory and planted a flag ... the enemy's presence is still there ... and the battle isn't over. (But at least there is a battle now, instead of Satan squatting on MY LAND!)

BUT ... as long as I keep opening the door ... or leaving a crack in the door ... I'm allowing Satan to maintain that beachhead. Leave the door open too long ... and he makes advances ... and it's harder for me to close the door.

(Big sigh) ... tough stuff. Still up to me to close that door ... Paul got a dose of truth too. He likes to leave his door cracked ... just a wee bit ... but still open.

I still found all of this pretty cool, though ... Paul doesn't read my writings so he had no idea that I used the word "beachhead" to describe the struggle.

I just love it when God confirms that he is listening and watching. I mean, I know it ... but it is so much better when I can see it or hear it ... straight from him!

Addictions (contd)

Wow ... what a great day yesterday turned out to be!

I smoked all day!

Nah, that's not what made it a great day ... what made it a great day was that I smoked all day ... and on the way home had a "come to Jesus" meeting with Jesus in my car ... talked about the things that were weighing me down ... did some confessing ... and did some thanking him anyway for some of the junk that I've been going through ... and then just started singing and praising God.

By the time I got home, I was so high from praising God that I got right back on the wagon again.
That surprised me ... because the mood that I was in yesterday morning was to have at least a 2-3 day binge with cigarettes. In fact, I think I was looking forward to that binge.

But that is what is so different now ... I may fall down or stumble ... but I spend a lot less time with my face in the dirt than I used to. I get up a lot quicker and get right back on the wagon. Somewhere along the way ... quitting "quitting smoking" became "not an option." Guess I'm in it for the long haul ... however long that takes.

Ah! (Moment of revelation!) ... I get it ...

The Lord has touched me in many ways and I have experienced some miraculous healing and deliverance ... and while I have been very grateful for the grace and blessings that have come from the Lord ... just like an addict ... I reached a point where it just wasn't enough ... I needed more ... wanted something different ... I didn't just want a touch ... I wanted to be changed. No, I really needed to be changed.

And that is just what he has been doing ... changing me ... changing my heart ... changing me from the inside. But God also had a plan ... and his plan had much more to do with changing my character....

It's very, very cool ... and I see how God is working with me in this addiction. The ground that is taken ... is never lost. Embarking on this journey with the Lord has really solidified the concept of how the Lord can gain a presence or a "beachhead" in our lives ... and then move forward from that point. Gaining ground a little bit at a time.

The obstinate and stubborn part of me wanted it "done" immediately. Instant gratification. I want what I want ... and I want it NOW! And if, by the way, the process is going to hurt ... then I need it to be done even sooner than that!

I've always wanted the end result ... but I never wanted to travel down the path to get there. Too hard, too much pain or just plain selfish and lazy. Whatever ... I finally ran out of excuses ... I finally got tired of trying to manipulate God (okay, truth is that I didn't get tired of this one ... I just learned that it doesn't work) ... and I finally got tired of being paralyzed by fear.

(Chuckling) My last attempt was back in September (and that is when things really started changing). "But God, it's not fair for you to ask me to do this ... you don't understand ... you cannot possibly understand just how impossible this is for me to do ... you don't understand what you are asking me to do?" His response: "You can do this."

He was right, of course ...

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Addiction

Been a long time since I've written ... here or my own journals. Guess it was good in a way because I've had no choice but to learn how to communicate about things that I think about in verbal ways rather than just writing. (Kind of necessary in a marriage!)

Still ... I missed writing.

Feeling very introspective today ... taking a break with this addiction thing. From what I learned about the whole addiction process ... you can call it a detour. A time when I'm just saying "TIME OUT!" I need a break from this very difficult battle.

I feel like I've been climbing up this mountain for a long time ... and while I definitely see that I'm closer to the top than I am to the bottom ... I'm still not there. But I have learned to redefine how I view success and more importantly how God views success. Success isn't necessarily where your journey ends ... as in the end result. Success IS the journey ... that you continue to travel and not quit.

I've learned a lot along the way ... probably the biggest lesson was to trust God a little bit more. Wish I could say that I read my bible every day and I prayed 3 times a day and that I fasted and employed all of the other standard disciplines for staying connected to God.

The truth is that most of the time I just held on ... held on when the storms came ... held on when the emotions threatened to overwhelm me ... held on when I finally had to face all of the pain and emotions that come along with being a human being on this earth.

Yeah, I know that sounds weird ... but God understands what I'm saying and the journey that I have taken with him on this has been like nothing else that I have experienced with him.

Bottom line is that throughout my lifetime ... I learned how to mask my pain (my sadness, my disappointment, my fear, my inadequacy, etc). I learned ... through various addictive behaviors ... to not feel pain. I learned to turn to cigarettes or drugs ... and not to turn to God. That will take me a lifetime to understand the process of how I got where I got ...

But the places that I've been on this journey ... are destinations and events that happen internally ... inside my heart. I've been facing my fears ... or maybe I should say that I've been facing my heart and actually experiencing the hurt and the pain that I have shut out for so many years.

It has surprised me ... for so long I thought I was ruled by my emotions and my feelings ... but as I learn to REALLY experience those emotions ... I find myself constantly saying "Wow, I haven't felt that in YEARS." All of those times have been painful. But when I really FELT the pain ... and allowed God to lead me THROUGH the pain ... it triggered memories from childhood of a similar feeling.

I learned that I've been running and hiding from feelings and emotions for a very long time ... refusing to feel it.

I was reading back at some of my really early blogs when I first started this journey ... it was October 2007 ... and I was listing my blogs like this: Death of an Addiction -- Day 1.

I would make it a few days without a cigarette ... and then I would "fail" ... and the next time that I wrote ... I would have to write Day 1 again.

You know what? I was trying so hard to achieve the "end result" (which means not to smoke) ... that for the longest time ... I didn't understand that the real journey ... was not the days that I did not smoke ... but more importantly ... the days that I did smoke ... because it was those days that held the secret to the root reasons and causes for the addiction.

Jesus is so backwards ... I'm still getting used to it. If you find me smoking in the parking lot of the church ... your very human reaction would be ... she has failed ... she is still addicted.

But the work that has been done ... has been done internally ... in my heart and in my spirit ... and does not yet show on the outside.

One day it will show on the outside ... but until then ... I will just keep climbing that mountain (with an occasional detour here and there ... just to take a break and get refreshed).