Do Not Fear

Fear ... what a debilitating disease. I call it a disease because once it enters my life ... or my mind ... it spreads throughout my entire being. Robbing me of the good things that God has for my life ... keeping me imprisoned and trapped in a place that is hard to escape. My part is that I know it is there ... and my part is that it is only myself that I can point the finger to as the person that keeps me from moving beyond that fear. Yes, the devil has a role ... but he can only plant thoughts and harass me ... tell me lies. I don't have to believe it and I don't have to stay in that trap.

This is probably the most major area that I have struggled with as a Christ-follower. Letting my fears have more power over me than my faith.

My cat got out of the house a few weeks ago and the Lord really used that circumstance to give me a really good view of how I allow fear to reign in my heart.

Smoky (yeah, uh-huh .... interesting name for a cat ... and ironic that quitting smoking is by far my greatest fear). Anyway, she is an interesting cat ... a ferrel cat that was caught in a trap when she was about 6 weeks old. She's about 10 now ... and all of her life she has been afraid of people. She wants to be loved ... she wants to be petted and to have her body stroked ... and she will even come up to you and "flop" right in front of you in order to gain the attention and love that she so desperately needs.

But you can't pick her up ... and you can't hold her in your lap. Any movement to do those two things will send her running for cover. That's Smoky. You have to love her ... her way ... or she will run away from you.

For whatever reason, in the last couple of years, Smoky has become more needy ... needing more love and attention ... and I've watched as she has made progress to overcome her fear of people. While we still couldn't hold her ... she will now walk ACROSS your lap ... or she will "flop" right beside your leg ... even on to your leg ... risking getting closer and closer. Still ... if we make a move to grab her ... she runs.

She got out (or fell out) of our house when a window screen was accidentally left open. Happened in the middle of the night ... and she was nowhere to be found the next morning.

I've always had a unique bond with my cats ... I have 4 now and I love them all ... passionately! I was extremely distressed when she disappeared ... praying that we would find her. The Lord told me that we would ...

That next afternoon, Paul found her ... underneath the trailer. This is where the Lord opened my eyes to what fear is doing in my life.

Smoky sat underneath the trailer ... in partial darkness. As I sat at the edge of the trailer and called to her ... I could see that she could see me ... she was looking at me ... and I know that she could hear me and that she recognized my voice. But she was so afraid that she could not move ... she had never been outside before ... and here she was in this dark place ... and in those moments ... even that dark place was safe ... it was familiar ... and she couldn't leave it. Her fear of leaving that place of what she thought was safety ... kept her from moving to a different place ... which would have been my arms that could have taken her back into her world of REAL safety.

It broke my heart. No matter how much I tried to talk her out of her place ... no matter how much food or other tactics that I used to draw her out, she just stayed right where she was.
It was so hard for me ... knowing that if she would just come to me that I could make it better ... that I could make all that fear go away and give her the safety that I knew she needed.

Guess that's how God feels about me ... he knows what is on the other side of my fear ... and he wants so much for me to trust him to take care of me and see me through ... if only I would come to him when he calls and not let fear keep me frozen ... if only I would not stay where I am ... trapped and afraid to leave the security of what I know.

The plot thickens with Smoky, though. I didn't know what was happening, but while I was talking and trying to coax her to come to me, Paul had gone to the other side of the trailer and had found a way to get underneath of it. The next thing I see is this huge hand coming down on top of Smoky's back. I got excited that we were going to get her back and I got up and went to the other side ... ready to welcome this kitty back into my arms. Didn't go that way....

I couldn't figure out how Paul had gotten in so I went back to where I was ... as I looked in I saw the last part of the "fight." Paul was holding on to the cat and Smoky was fighting and scratching, contorting her body in such drastic moves that I was afraid she was going to break her own spine. Once again, her fear took over ...

Paul was stuck and although he had a hold of her, he couldn't back out of where he was and still hold this fighting furball in his hand. He had to let her go ... though she did leave the remnants of the fight on him ... blood pouring down his arm from the deep gashes she had inflicted with her claws.

Once again, I saw more than just what was going on. I've smoked for 32 years now ... 4 of that as a Christian ... and all of those 4 years ... well that's another long story. It's been a long battle and I've learned a lot. But in this instance, the Lord showed me that you can't force something on someone who is not willing to accept help.

I've often bounced between wanting God to just "take control" over some of the things in my life ... and right behind those thoughts ... not wanting to give up that control. It's a frustrating place to be ... but I guess just forcing me to do what he wants is not God's way. I'm reminded of that scripture ... "even a bruised reed, he will not break."

At least for me ... in this particular struggle ... the Lord has just walked me through it. Guiding me and being patient as I worked through the process. Most of the time, I have struggled with being able to admit to myself and to God that I am truly powerless over this addiction. I thought I should be able to do it ... my strength, my power, even by having enough "faith" and trying to "white-knuckle" it. Too many times to count ... try and fail, try and fail, try and fail.

There are many steps in this particular process of dealing with this addiction ... though I've only focused on the last couple of steps. This place that I am now is the ability to recognize the fear ... the fear that holds me back ... the fear that will ultimately cause me to lose everything if I don't face the fear (with the Lord's help).

And the last step is letting go ...

If Smoky had just let go ... if she had just surrendered and stopped fighting ... she would be with me now. But she didn't ... we had to "let her go" ... and she is still outside somewhere. Maybe someone found her and took her in ... or maybe she is finding food and finding a way to survive. There are other options that I can't bear to think about. The Lord still tells me that she will come home. So I have to trust in that ...

So how am I doing with letting go?

Well, we went to King's Dominion a couple of days ago ... and for the first time I rode on the "Drop Zone" ride. That thing takes you up in the air 273 feet ... and it is like a free fall for 200 feet and then "catches" you at the last few seconds before you are lowered the last few feet to the ground.

Now here's something interesting ... I had never been on it ... never had a desire to go on it ... but there I was demanding that the be the second ride that we go on. About half way up the thing, I came to my senses. I believe that the Spirit of God was the one doing the talking ... prompting me to ride the stupid thing in the first place.

That prompting has happened before ... SEVERAL times ... I'll have these moments of boldness ... and I'll step out and do something completely bold ... and then about half way into it ... I realize that I don't want to do it. But by that time, it is too late and I am committed.

Not trying to say that God tricks me into it ... it's not like that. He just seems to be the one that kick starts me into a direction that I should go ... and then once I'm there ... it's too late to turn back and I just keep going. (He knows me well.)

Same thing here ... it was as if I woke up when I was about 100 feet in the air ... and I DID NOT WANT TO BE THERE! I WANTED OUT! AND I WANTED OUT BAD! But it was too late, what goes up ... has to come down. So I held on with a death grip and closed my eyes. Screamed and called out "Oh My God" all the way down! When I got off that ride, I just sort of wobbled away.

But you know what? AFTER ... it seemed kind of fun. Wasn't fun at the beginning ... but that feeling of exhileration and adrenaline kicked in somewhere in the middle and it was fun. So we did it again. This time I kept my eyes open ... and I actually took a breath during the drop. More exhileration and adrenaline ... more fun.

Hey, I was on to something here! So we did it one more time ... Paul (Mr. Adrenaline) told me to try and let go of the hand grips this time. And I did ... only let go for about 3 seconds before I gripped them again ... but I did let go. And I liked it!

So ... where does all of that leave me? I don't know ... the Lord is guiding me step by step ... and as I look back now at all the times that I thought I "failed" when I gave up and started smoking again. Well, maybe that wasn't failure ... maybe that was "practice." Maybe I was practicing at letting go....

The devil is such a snot ... such a liar.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)