Amazing Love

Remember when you were young and you did something wrong ... then your parents found out ... and then you would have to go and "have a talk" with your mother or father? (shuddering) ("A talk" with the father was the worst). Seriously, think back and remember.

I know my own experiences weren't that great. It wasn't that I didn't know that I did something wrong ... I usually could acknowledge that fact. My biggest struggle was dealing with the anger and disappointment that came from my parents. Usually anger ... because what I did wrong was always a reflection on them (dysfunction and codependent traits).

Growing up is a time for making mistakes. Childhood is the time to practice ... to get it right sometimes ... but to get it wrong MOST of the time so that an opportunity for training and teaching can be present.

Kids are SUPPOSED to mess up ... how else can we teach them if they never mess up? Our expectations for our kids is unrealistic.

Lately I've been paying attention to how God handles the situation when I mess up. As a grown up, I know that how my parents handled it didn't work for many different reasons and on so many different levels. My relationship with the Lord has provided the opportunity to learn the "right" way to handle situations ... and with a daughter that just turned 14, you better believe that I'm paying attention! (And I'm watching how my child acts ... to better understand how I act with God.)

So here's what happened: I messed up ... in fact, I had been doing something for about 4 years ... and when the Lord brought it up to me ... my initial reaction was to bolt ... run ... and NOT have that talk with my Father. But ... I didn't bolt and I didn't run ... I guess I know enough about the Lord to know that if he wants to talk about it ... it is time to talk about it.

So we talked ... or rather, I talked and he listened. It was as if I were sitting in a chair directly across from him ... but I wouldn't look directly at him while I was telling "my story" ... working my way around the issues ... trying to be honest ... and at the same time trying to find a way to make it sound better. I've gotten pretty good at that ...

What was interesting to me is that I could only glance at him from time to time ... from beneath my lashes ... looking for a reaction but not getting one. Making sure that I never really connect with his eyes. I've been a Christian for almost 4 1/2 years and still I couldn't bear to watch his reaction as I started really telling the truth.

When I got to the end of my "talk" ... tears started streaming down my face as I come face to face with the issue ... realizing what I had done wrong ... and feeling the full weight of what I had done wrong in my heart. "Lord, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."

I raised my head ... realizing that I had been staring down at the floor and I allowed my eyes to met his eyes for the first time in that conversation. His gaze was direct and penetrating ... but there was no anger in his eyes and there was no disappointment in his eyes. He didn't lecture me or tell me all the reasons that what I had done was wrong. He just sat there and listened, though I could feel in my spirit the moments when he would gently guide me back to the issue if I got too far off course from the truth.

His love for me was so intense that a very physical warmth penetrated my body. I felt no guilt and there was nothing condemning coming from him ... I talked ... he listened ... I tried to manipulate and he guided me back to the truth ... he opened my eyes to see the truth ... and then I cried and I confessed my wrong ... and his love for me never waivered ... and never changed.