Amazing Love

Remember when you were young and you did something wrong ... then your parents found out ... and then you would have to go and "have a talk" with your mother or father? (shuddering) ("A talk" with the father was the worst). Seriously, think back and remember.

I know my own experiences weren't that great. It wasn't that I didn't know that I did something wrong ... I usually could acknowledge that fact. My biggest struggle was dealing with the anger and disappointment that came from my parents. Usually anger ... because what I did wrong was always a reflection on them (dysfunction and codependent traits).

Growing up is a time for making mistakes. Childhood is the time to practice ... to get it right sometimes ... but to get it wrong MOST of the time so that an opportunity for training and teaching can be present.

Kids are SUPPOSED to mess up ... how else can we teach them if they never mess up? Our expectations for our kids is unrealistic.

Lately I've been paying attention to how God handles the situation when I mess up. As a grown up, I know that how my parents handled it didn't work for many different reasons and on so many different levels. My relationship with the Lord has provided the opportunity to learn the "right" way to handle situations ... and with a daughter that just turned 14, you better believe that I'm paying attention! (And I'm watching how my child acts ... to better understand how I act with God.)

So here's what happened: I messed up ... in fact, I had been doing something for about 4 years ... and when the Lord brought it up to me ... my initial reaction was to bolt ... run ... and NOT have that talk with my Father. But ... I didn't bolt and I didn't run ... I guess I know enough about the Lord to know that if he wants to talk about it ... it is time to talk about it.

So we talked ... or rather, I talked and he listened. It was as if I were sitting in a chair directly across from him ... but I wouldn't look directly at him while I was telling "my story" ... working my way around the issues ... trying to be honest ... and at the same time trying to find a way to make it sound better. I've gotten pretty good at that ...

What was interesting to me is that I could only glance at him from time to time ... from beneath my lashes ... looking for a reaction but not getting one. Making sure that I never really connect with his eyes. I've been a Christian for almost 4 1/2 years and still I couldn't bear to watch his reaction as I started really telling the truth.

When I got to the end of my "talk" ... tears started streaming down my face as I come face to face with the issue ... realizing what I had done wrong ... and feeling the full weight of what I had done wrong in my heart. "Lord, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."

I raised my head ... realizing that I had been staring down at the floor and I allowed my eyes to met his eyes for the first time in that conversation. His gaze was direct and penetrating ... but there was no anger in his eyes and there was no disappointment in his eyes. He didn't lecture me or tell me all the reasons that what I had done was wrong. He just sat there and listened, though I could feel in my spirit the moments when he would gently guide me back to the issue if I got too far off course from the truth.

His love for me was so intense that a very physical warmth penetrated my body. I felt no guilt and there was nothing condemning coming from him ... I talked ... he listened ... I tried to manipulate and he guided me back to the truth ... he opened my eyes to see the truth ... and then I cried and I confessed my wrong ... and his love for me never waivered ... and never changed.

Standing

On the day that we left California, we visited Manhatten Beach and I took home more than just a seashell or sand in my ears.

Celebrate Recovery Conference

Back from California ... what an amazing trip ... an amazing conference where our team learned more about Celebrate Recovery ... incredible challenges came with every footstep.

Last year there was about 3,000 people ... and I saw an army ... an army of servants called by God ... an army that was being sent out to rescue his people ... armed with the tools from the Celebrate Recovery program that would set the captives free.

This year ... that same army was back for more training ... and while I don't know what the final numbers were ... I heard there was over 3,500 that attended.

God is serious about this ministry. He means business and so do those of us who are called to this ministry.

While I still saw an army -- an army that is steadily growing ... my perspective has changed. Now that I've walked through one year of the Celebrate Recovery program and was able to take this journey with a few others ... I see things differently.

This time I didn't see an army of leaders ... I saw an army of prisoners.

An army of prisoners who have been released from their prisons ... all of us in one stage or another of continuing the process of being released from the past that has kept us chained and imprisoned. Prisoners who are now celebrating their recovery and sharing what they have learned with other prisoners in their communities.

The one phrase that will stay with me ... sums up the experience of Celebrate Recovery.

A God-inspired program that gives me the tools to see WHO I WAS ... so that I can see WHY I WAS ... so that I can see WHO I AM.

FREEDOM FOR THE CAPTIVES!!!!!

Do Not Fear

Fear ... what a debilitating disease. I call it a disease because once it enters my life ... or my mind ... it spreads throughout my entire being. Robbing me of the good things that God has for my life ... keeping me imprisoned and trapped in a place that is hard to escape. My part is that I know it is there ... and my part is that it is only myself that I can point the finger to as the person that keeps me from moving beyond that fear. Yes, the devil has a role ... but he can only plant thoughts and harass me ... tell me lies. I don't have to believe it and I don't have to stay in that trap.

This is probably the most major area that I have struggled with as a Christ-follower. Letting my fears have more power over me than my faith.

My cat got out of the house a few weeks ago and the Lord really used that circumstance to give me a really good view of how I allow fear to reign in my heart.

Smoky (yeah, uh-huh .... interesting name for a cat ... and ironic that quitting smoking is by far my greatest fear). Anyway, she is an interesting cat ... a ferrel cat that was caught in a trap when she was about 6 weeks old. She's about 10 now ... and all of her life she has been afraid of people. She wants to be loved ... she wants to be petted and to have her body stroked ... and she will even come up to you and "flop" right in front of you in order to gain the attention and love that she so desperately needs.

But you can't pick her up ... and you can't hold her in your lap. Any movement to do those two things will send her running for cover. That's Smoky. You have to love her ... her way ... or she will run away from you.

For whatever reason, in the last couple of years, Smoky has become more needy ... needing more love and attention ... and I've watched as she has made progress to overcome her fear of people. While we still couldn't hold her ... she will now walk ACROSS your lap ... or she will "flop" right beside your leg ... even on to your leg ... risking getting closer and closer. Still ... if we make a move to grab her ... she runs.

She got out (or fell out) of our house when a window screen was accidentally left open. Happened in the middle of the night ... and she was nowhere to be found the next morning.

I've always had a unique bond with my cats ... I have 4 now and I love them all ... passionately! I was extremely distressed when she disappeared ... praying that we would find her. The Lord told me that we would ...

That next afternoon, Paul found her ... underneath the trailer. This is where the Lord opened my eyes to what fear is doing in my life.

Smoky sat underneath the trailer ... in partial darkness. As I sat at the edge of the trailer and called to her ... I could see that she could see me ... she was looking at me ... and I know that she could hear me and that she recognized my voice. But she was so afraid that she could not move ... she had never been outside before ... and here she was in this dark place ... and in those moments ... even that dark place was safe ... it was familiar ... and she couldn't leave it. Her fear of leaving that place of what she thought was safety ... kept her from moving to a different place ... which would have been my arms that could have taken her back into her world of REAL safety.

It broke my heart. No matter how much I tried to talk her out of her place ... no matter how much food or other tactics that I used to draw her out, she just stayed right where she was.
It was so hard for me ... knowing that if she would just come to me that I could make it better ... that I could make all that fear go away and give her the safety that I knew she needed.

Guess that's how God feels about me ... he knows what is on the other side of my fear ... and he wants so much for me to trust him to take care of me and see me through ... if only I would come to him when he calls and not let fear keep me frozen ... if only I would not stay where I am ... trapped and afraid to leave the security of what I know.

The plot thickens with Smoky, though. I didn't know what was happening, but while I was talking and trying to coax her to come to me, Paul had gone to the other side of the trailer and had found a way to get underneath of it. The next thing I see is this huge hand coming down on top of Smoky's back. I got excited that we were going to get her back and I got up and went to the other side ... ready to welcome this kitty back into my arms. Didn't go that way....

I couldn't figure out how Paul had gotten in so I went back to where I was ... as I looked in I saw the last part of the "fight." Paul was holding on to the cat and Smoky was fighting and scratching, contorting her body in such drastic moves that I was afraid she was going to break her own spine. Once again, her fear took over ...

Paul was stuck and although he had a hold of her, he couldn't back out of where he was and still hold this fighting furball in his hand. He had to let her go ... though she did leave the remnants of the fight on him ... blood pouring down his arm from the deep gashes she had inflicted with her claws.

Once again, I saw more than just what was going on. I've smoked for 32 years now ... 4 of that as a Christian ... and all of those 4 years ... well that's another long story. It's been a long battle and I've learned a lot. But in this instance, the Lord showed me that you can't force something on someone who is not willing to accept help.

I've often bounced between wanting God to just "take control" over some of the things in my life ... and right behind those thoughts ... not wanting to give up that control. It's a frustrating place to be ... but I guess just forcing me to do what he wants is not God's way. I'm reminded of that scripture ... "even a bruised reed, he will not break."

At least for me ... in this particular struggle ... the Lord has just walked me through it. Guiding me and being patient as I worked through the process. Most of the time, I have struggled with being able to admit to myself and to God that I am truly powerless over this addiction. I thought I should be able to do it ... my strength, my power, even by having enough "faith" and trying to "white-knuckle" it. Too many times to count ... try and fail, try and fail, try and fail.

There are many steps in this particular process of dealing with this addiction ... though I've only focused on the last couple of steps. This place that I am now is the ability to recognize the fear ... the fear that holds me back ... the fear that will ultimately cause me to lose everything if I don't face the fear (with the Lord's help).

And the last step is letting go ...

If Smoky had just let go ... if she had just surrendered and stopped fighting ... she would be with me now. But she didn't ... we had to "let her go" ... and she is still outside somewhere. Maybe someone found her and took her in ... or maybe she is finding food and finding a way to survive. There are other options that I can't bear to think about. The Lord still tells me that she will come home. So I have to trust in that ...

So how am I doing with letting go?

Well, we went to King's Dominion a couple of days ago ... and for the first time I rode on the "Drop Zone" ride. That thing takes you up in the air 273 feet ... and it is like a free fall for 200 feet and then "catches" you at the last few seconds before you are lowered the last few feet to the ground.

Now here's something interesting ... I had never been on it ... never had a desire to go on it ... but there I was demanding that the be the second ride that we go on. About half way up the thing, I came to my senses. I believe that the Spirit of God was the one doing the talking ... prompting me to ride the stupid thing in the first place.

That prompting has happened before ... SEVERAL times ... I'll have these moments of boldness ... and I'll step out and do something completely bold ... and then about half way into it ... I realize that I don't want to do it. But by that time, it is too late and I am committed.

Not trying to say that God tricks me into it ... it's not like that. He just seems to be the one that kick starts me into a direction that I should go ... and then once I'm there ... it's too late to turn back and I just keep going. (He knows me well.)

Same thing here ... it was as if I woke up when I was about 100 feet in the air ... and I DID NOT WANT TO BE THERE! I WANTED OUT! AND I WANTED OUT BAD! But it was too late, what goes up ... has to come down. So I held on with a death grip and closed my eyes. Screamed and called out "Oh My God" all the way down! When I got off that ride, I just sort of wobbled away.

But you know what? AFTER ... it seemed kind of fun. Wasn't fun at the beginning ... but that feeling of exhileration and adrenaline kicked in somewhere in the middle and it was fun. So we did it again. This time I kept my eyes open ... and I actually took a breath during the drop. More exhileration and adrenaline ... more fun.

Hey, I was on to something here! So we did it one more time ... Paul (Mr. Adrenaline) told me to try and let go of the hand grips this time. And I did ... only let go for about 3 seconds before I gripped them again ... but I did let go. And I liked it!

So ... where does all of that leave me? I don't know ... the Lord is guiding me step by step ... and as I look back now at all the times that I thought I "failed" when I gave up and started smoking again. Well, maybe that wasn't failure ... maybe that was "practice." Maybe I was practicing at letting go....

The devil is such a snot ... such a liar.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

She Loved Much

Luke 7:36-48

Now one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, so he went to the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them and poured perfume on them.

When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is--that she is a sinner."

Jesus answered him, "Simon, I have something to tell you."

"Tell me, teacher," he said.

"Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he cancelled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?"

Simon replied, "I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled."

"You have judged correctly," Jesus said.

Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman?

I came into your house.

You did not give me any water for my feet---
but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair

You did not give me a kiss
but this woman from the time I entered has not stopped kissing my feet

You did not put oil on my head
but she has poured perfume on my feet

Therefore I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven -- for she loved much.

But he who has been forgiven little loves little."

Then Jesus said to her, "Your sins are forgiven."

The scriptures say that she brought an alabaster jar of perfume and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears.

This woman ... who "stood behind him at his feet" ... a woman whose hair was used to dry the tears that fell on the Lord's feet. Long hair was the style back then ... I think she found another way to use her hair ... to cover her face ... to hide her eyes ... from the one that knew everything about her.

I think it is sad that we so quickly go from "standing behind him at his feet" ... to sitting at the table with the Lord ... and whether we speak or just think it ... we still judge other people.

It's a lot easier to find fault or shortcomings in someone else's life vs. looking at our own hearts.

I hear it in conversations at church more than anywhere else. That's scary isn't it? Shouldn't be ... those of us in church just know that we need help. I see it in the workplaces too, though, backstabbers and ladder climbers and the co-workers that seem to thrive on tearing people down. I guess the only difference really is that at least at church, we know that we are messed up and we are looking for the Lord to help us.

I'm not pointing my finger at other people, I hear it and see it within my own self. It scares me ... and it frustrates me. I don't like humanity very much ... because I see in people all the wicked things that lie in my own heart. It's like a mirror ...

Pay attention and you will see it too. Most don't like to admit that we do these things and we really don't want to face our own hearts. But when it is quiet and you have a moment to reflect about your day ... try looking into the Lord's eyes ... you might find yourself scrambling to look away. The thing is, though, he already knows and once WE KNOW IT ... then he can actually do something with us to change it. He knows what we do and loves us anyway.

I am glad that the Lord is working with me and in me. I am often disgusted and repelled by what he shows me about my heart ... it is so ugly to look at what I do to other people ... I want so much to be more than I am ... but what I am and what I will forever be on this side of heaven is just a sinner ... a sinner that still messes up ... still makes mistakes ... and still needs the Holy Spirit to teach me the truth and help me learn how to do things differently ... every moment of every day. Luckily, he understands more about me than I do. He shows me my heart so that I can learn and so that I can grow and be more like him ... one moment at a time.

For She Loved Much ....