Do I Love God

That turned out to be a very serious question. I wanted to know the answer but at the same time I already knew the answer. The truth is ... sometimes.

Love is an interesting word ... one I've thought about a lot during my life. What is love? What does it really mean? How do you know that someone really loves you? How do you know it isn't just a "word?" How do you know you are "loving" someone?

For many years, I thought love was a feeling. That emotional state of just "feeling" love. If you love me, I will feel it ... that's actually how I got all messed up with sex. If you have sex with me, that must mean that you love me. Even if it is only for a few moments. For those moments, I would "feel" loved ... it was all about how I feel when I'm with you.

During my relationship with the Lord (and with Paul) I've had to "unlearn" that kind of behavior. I understand more about love ... realizing that love is not just about how you feel ... it has much more to do with my actions. Our actions (things we do for others) is really the way that love is expressed ... and often there is no "feeling" or mushy emotion that comes with it. Love is when you sacrifice a part of you (time, money, desires) and do something for someone else when there is absolutely nothing in it for you.

Look at the cross. Isn't Jesus' sacrifice the absolute ultimate expression of God's love for us? Jesus' actions and willingness to give everything ... absolutely everything is a picture of perfect love ... love in action. There was a part of him that was afraid ... he was in anguish at what was about to take place. "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will."

And yet, he did what he was there to do. It just simply amazes me and it gives me hope. He did what he was asked to do ... I can't even comprehend or imagine having to face what Jesus had to go through. But in the same breath, I have to say that I do understand what it is like to be asked to do something that seems completely impossible ... something that causes me pain and anguish like I have never known. There is no comparison to the cross that Jesus had to bear ... but it is my cross and it is hard to bear at times.

I keep thinking about Jesus ... wondering how he was able to do what he did. Why didn't he give up? Why didn't he just say "I can't do this!" Why didn't he just say "this is too hard?" Why didn't he just run away and hide from what he was asked to do?

I can only come up with one answer ... love.

He loved His Father and did what he was asked to do
He loved the ones that would be saved because of his suffering, his death and his resurrection.
He saw the greater purpose .... it may hurt for a while ... but what was on the other side of this hurt was the greater good.

Leaves me with only one question ... God is asking me to do something specific during this particular season ... will I do it ... or will I choose not to do it.

Do I love God ... or do I love myself more?

Know God vs. Love God

Now there's an interesting question. Do you know God vs. do you love God? Can you know God and NOT love God?

I never thought about it that way before ...

Learning so much from watching my daughter's relationship with the Lord.

Last night we were talking about things like TV shows ... music ... clothes ... boys (you know, teenage stuff) ... and we talked about how those things influence what we think, what we believe, etc. Typical for me ... when she comes to me with what the world has to offer and how it affects what she thinks ... I pull out the bible and start looking for what God says about it. Quick to point out the choices that she has to make ... but lately I've been reading what God says and sitting back and watching as she wrestles with the choice that needs to think about. (Guiding her vs. trying to control her.)

Last night was all about "what we think" ... so I found the scriptures that say we should think about things that are lovely, things that are pure (Philippians 4, I think). Typical for my daughter ... she listens intently ... and as honest as can be announces that while she understands what God is saying ... she's just "not there" yet.

She doesn't feel bad ... she doesn't feel guilty ... she doesn't try to jump right into it and change whatever it is ... she is just honest ... a "matter of fact" kind of attitude. She hears it ... she understands it ... and she is honest enough with herself and with the Lord ... to say that she isn't ready to accept that particular truth or principle. Enough said ... and she goes back to whatever she is doing.

My daughter and I share some very similar traits ... stubborness, rebellious, selfish and the list goes on. But in one area ... we are very different. Her relationship with the Lord is more "child like" than mine ... more honest than mine ... and I learn a lot by watching her.

Starting to see that there is a big difference in knowing the Lord ... and even following the Lord ... vs loving the Lord.

I know the Lord ... and I follow the Lord ... but I can't honestly say with 100% certainty that I love the Lord.

I can say that I need him ... I can say that he intrigues me and that I am almost compelled to learn more and more about him. I can say that I listen and try to understand how he wants me to live this life and I do my best to accept and live the truths that are revealed to me. I want him to save me, to protect me, to comfort me and to love me.

But I think I know more about his love for me vs my love for him.

Sounds strange ... I've known the Lord for about 4 years. I wonder what the answer will be when I ask (I'm asking, Lord) ... in all of that time ... have I ever learned to love you for you? Any of the time? Loved you for you ... and not what you can give to me?

There's a verse that has been penetrating my heart ... not sure where it is ... maybe Luke. It says "why do you call me Lord, Lord, when you don't do as I say?"

I've done a lot of things "in the name of the Lord" ... but I wonder just how much of that was done out of obligation ... to try and earn all that I have been given ... to make myself feel better by being able to point to this or that to say "look, see how much I love you."

Wonder if any of it ... was done simply because I loved him.
Sometimes no answer at all is all the answer that I need.

Led by the Spirit

Sounds easy enough, huh? Actually, I've been learning that it is a moment by moment experience.

Yesterday morning I woke up ... sat outside and thought about my day. My boss told me last week that she wanted me to work in the office vs. working from home. It was only going to be a 1/2 day because the cable folks were coming to connect internet service and cable.

I reasoned my way through it ... thinking I would be much more productive if I worked from home. I could work longer without the commute ... but the truth is that I just didn't feel like getting dressed and driving for 1.5 hours to get there.

Still, my boss specifically told me to come into the office. (Sigh) It was an authority issue ... something I struggle with. I've only recently become aware that my boss and the authority that she has over me ... is designed and approved by God Himself.

Submitting (doing what they tell me) is just part of God's plan ... and is probably the hardest issue that I've kicked against ... at least recently.

Somewhat of a rebel ... I tend to want to do things my way and not listen to what others tell me to do. Now when God tells me to do something ... I may not always do it ... but I'm a lot more open to it. I mean, it's God, right?

So how does that equate to the rest of the time when God ISN'T specifically telling me what to do?

Authorities....

People placed in my life whose specific priority is to BE an authority in my life ... that could be my boss, that could be the person in charge of a service project ... basically, anyone who has been put in charge over me. For kids ... that would be mom and dad. It can also be a police officer or a judge in court.

Authority comes in many different forms ... but all designed and put into place by God ... for the purpose of teaching, disciplining and lots of other difficult lessons. Read Romans 13 below ... the part that gets me is where it says if you don't do what is right, you should fear the one in authority because they have been given the "sword" for a reason! Ouch!

ROMANS 13: Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. For he is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer.

Surrendering our will ... my desire to do what I want to do ... is an age-old battle. Flesh vs. spirit.
My will versus God's will. Self is strong and kicks hard against dying...but that is the goal. In order to be led by the Spirit ... self has to die.

So why bother, right? If it's that hard, why do it?

I can only answer that based on what I know. When I stop fighting ... when I stop trying to do what I want to do ... then the Spirit (God) can actually do something with me. Led me to help others, led me to pray for people, led me to avoid situations ... you get the picture. By losing my life, I find it. I find a life that I never imagined.

I'm really learning a lot with the kids right now ... a 13 year old and a 17 year old. The difference in "self will" is astounding. Both hate it when we tell them what needs to be done. Both get mad ... and both get that teenage attitude. But after the initial attitude ... the younger tends to surrender more quickly than the older.

Don't know why ... I guess we are all different. Some surrender more easily than others. But the one thing that is true for both of them ... they both come face to face with their own heart ... and they both have the desire to rebel against whatever is being asked. Personally, I want to throttle both of them. (Hmm ... wonder if God thinks that way when I don't want to listen.)

So how did my day turn out?

I went into the office ... and when I stopped for gas in Haymarket ... I ran into someone that played a pivotal part in my life ... someone who was only in my life for less than a year ... someone I hadn't seen for 4 years. Someone who believed me when no one else did. Someone who gave me strength (by believing in me) and encouragement when I left my husband ... left everything ... and made the decision to listen to God. He's not a Christian ... doesn't go to my church and doesn't live anywhere close to me. My point ... our paths would never have crossed again.

I've prayed for this person occasionally ... always hoping that I would have a chance one day to say "thank you."

If I had not gone to work that day ... I would have missed that opportunity.

And never to be one that does anything in a small way ... God showed off again that day. There were two deer that came to visit my office ... in the parking lot behind a bunch of office buildings ... and across from the police training facility ... where gunfire and screeching tires ... helicopters and all kind of noises were present.

Those deer shouldn't have been there ... yet there they were ... munching on grass and content to stay there for as long as I could stay outside to watch them.

You may not think much of these two things ... but it was just a little reminder that God notices when I do the right thing ... and sometimes he tells me that he notices.